Story 101 Everyday oxymorons

     


      
       There are morons and then there are oxymorons. Sometimes they are related.   I don't know if any of my readers have experienced a few.  ( I rarely hear from you) but it's probably  an everyday occurrence. Here are a few examples.

      People who play tennis and then smoke between games (One of my friends does this), or doctors who are very fat that smoke too. I've also witnessed a car for the Environmental Protection Agency idling.  Vegetarian actors like River Phoenix who overdosed on drugs.   Teachers who hate kids, and priests who abuse them.

      It strikes me as funny when a person reads cookbooks or even eats while using the bathroom.  There is also my friend Brian who would order a salad for it's supposed health benefits, and then douse it with blue cheese dressing. At least the French have a salad at the end of their meals.

      Speaking of the French. I find it amazing that French women are so skinny despite eating high fat meals.   I credit it to the long lunches, cigarettes, and resveratrol in red wine.  I guess wine really does work in moderation.

     Other contradictions.  If an older male dates a young woman he is sometimes considered a "pedophile," but if a young boy dates a cougar he is "The Man." If a woman sleeps with a lot of guys she is considered "a slut" while if a guy does it he is "a stud"  there is a definitely a double-standard in America when it comes to gender.  

     
 
     
     Some people also claim that "Guns don't kill, people do."  but what about when children find unlocked guns in a home.  In that case, the guns really do kill.  What's wrong with universal standards for gun safety? We have national laws/standards for DWI, but we really should worry also about DBG (Death By Gun.) Let's do more to save lives.   I think having a gun can be something that can be used responsibly, we just should not be afraid of a few regulations.  You wouldn't want to live someplace where there were no laws for driving would you? 

     America is a country that was founded on the principles of freedom.  Some Americans fled England to start a better life and even more have sought a better life from around the world. We should learn lessons from history how FDR and the world didn't let Jews into their countries during War II due to anti-Semitism, which ultimately if they acted differently could have saved many lives.

     

Life Lesson 101: Shakespeare once stated "To be or not to be that is the question."  I agree with this line, but we should update that quote to say, "To be a light among the nations, or to close our eyes and live in the dark."  I recommend eyes wide open, and our hearts open too.

Story 99: I'm all bogged down

    

      I've enjoyed exploring many of Long Island's beautiful rivers.  One in particular the Nissequogue, is my favorite. I Iike it because you can tour the river from a small rivulet to a large expanse of water, or depending on the tides do the reverse.

   One summer I canoed the Nissequogue with my friends Michael and David.  We had a great time, but after having lunch at a nearby Island, Michael and I felt the need to use the bathroom, and without thinking about possible consequences got out of the canoe to remedy the situation. Unfortunately for us, we soon discovered that our feet were stuck in unyielding mud.  Mud that was as hard as quicksand. I literally could not get my feet out, and started to panic.

I pulled my right leg with all my strength and ended up breaking one of my sandals in the process, and then got into the canoe with great relief.  Michael was a bit more level headed and untied his sandals. He returned to the boat with both intact.  For several minutes though it was definitely a very “sticky situation.”

Life Lesson 99: Rudyard Kipling once said that if you keep your head while others are losing theirs that you can cope with most problems that are thrown at you.  You may even avoid losing other things like your life, or sometimes something as simple as your shoe.

Story 98: The ultimate gatekeeper

          
     Anyone who has seen the film The Butler or The Help knows that sometimes the people who work for us see us as we truly are (Not just our barbers), and different from the way the world perceives us.

 
     Rabbi E. once told our congregation a story about a doorman at the White house named Bruce.  Bruce worked for five presidents. Every day, his job was simply to open the door of the White House and announce, “Good morning Mr. President.”

 Bruce was once asked “Which of the presidents did you like best?”

Bruce replied,”Eisenhower.”

“Why?” he was asked.

“Because, unlike the other presidents, when I said ‘Good Morning Mr. President’ Eisenhower always replied. ‘Good morning Bruce’ "

Life Lesson 98:  The golden rule is that we should treat all people the way we want to be treated.  This applies whether we are a hard-working doorman, or the leader of the free world. In addition, to always treat people with respect, and not act like we are better than anyone, because underneath our clothes, we are all the same. Human.

Story 97: True sportswomanship

        Rabbi E. told another story about a 2008 girl’s college softball team championship game.   Central Washington University and Western Oregon had competed in a game that was inspiring on many different levels.

Sara T.  A senior at Western Oregon was not the best hitter on her team. However on one inspiring day, she hit a home run, an achievement she had never done before.  

       Unfortunately however as started to run around the bases she twisted her knee and fell.  She was not able to finish the journey around the bases. It was later revealed that she had torn her ACL.  An injury that ultimately finished her softball career for the season. She was in extreme pain, but in order to get the credit for the hit. She had to run around all the bases.  Sara had a true dilemma on her hands. There wasn't the opportunity for a pinch runner, and if any of her teammates or her coach touched her, she would be out.  

In a broad act of kindness Mallory H. and Liz W., players from the opposing team, Central Washington, picked up Sara and carried her around the bases.  The crowd, while small, cheered and cheered for their act of love and kindness.

Life Lesson 97:  Sometimes actions speak louder than words, and that love is not only what we say, but that sometimes love is the things that we do that make a difference for ourselves and others too.

Story 96: Those who can't do……….

       


   We spend a lot of time at our jobs.  In many ways they are like a second family.  In my case more like a dysfunctional second family.   Although, I have to say that when June rolls around, things always seem to get more heated, and we are itching for the year to be over. Sometimes even tempers flare.

      It reminds me of what it might be like to be a fisherman.  Together on the boat for months on end, and then several months apart.  Summer vacation is our equivalent.  The fact that my department, Men's Phys. Ed., are in the same office is probably the reason we bond, but also get on each other's nerves at times.   Fortunately however the women are in a separate room on the other side,  because it keeps us from fighting with them too.  

   I believe anthropologist Helen Fisher got it right when she said, "Men and women fight differently.  Men punch you in the face, women stab you in the back."   because we might be rude to each other, but unlike some of the Phys. Ed. women in the past, we do not run to the principal to complain about colleagues. We usually try to handle things in-house.


   Most recently we also had an incident that was equally serious.  When I went to school two weeks ago, I noticed an ambulance in front of the building.  I found out later that an assistant principal was taken out of the building because of an allergic reaction to either fish or peanut oil and could of died, but fortunately had access to an epi-pen.   What's fucked up about the story is that the police found evidence of oil on her phone, desk, and chair.  
        Someone attempted to hurt her deliberately.   A teacher was suspected of committing the crime due to a bad review, but since no one actually saw her do it,  she is still there, and while under suspicion continues to teach. 

  The reason I bring up these stories is because thus far our department has been UTR (Under the raidar and rarely gets into trouble,  because we are in such close quarters all the time, think seamen on a submarine, and are constantly watching and listening to what everyone is saying/doing.  If you slip up even a tiny bit the people in our office never let you hear the end of it.  How in the world can we be truly controversial?  You say or do something wrong in our office, and within a hour or so a picture illustrating your misstep is on the bathroom door with a funny caption, and there have been too many to count.

   A Few Memorable Moments: 

The shirt: We were recently offered a chance to buy polo shirts with our school's name and logo on it.  I didn't buy one because I have a few already, but Little P. put his name down for an XL.  No one even noticed until it came out, no pun intended, that he ordered a woman's XL.

"P.," we asked with a laugh. "Why did you order a woman's XL?" 

"I like wearing woman's clothing." He stated matter of factly.

"What?" I said.  "You mean like dresses and lingerie?"

"No,"  he said defensively.  "They are just cut better for me." (Little P. is also nicknamed 'Skinny fat boy'  very skinny but has a pot belly.) He has also been mistaken for Justin Timberlake.

  We all laughed at his answer regarding the shirt, and said derisive things about his masculinity.  And of course within minutes department store pictures for lingerie started to go up  on the bathroom door with captions like "Little P.'s holiday shopping guide, etc.…"

    Caribou Queen: Another time P. started to sing a song. He was convinced it was called, "Caribou Queen."  We all said to him.  "No, It's Caribbean Queen." by Billy Ocean.  He looked at us with confusion, but after we all started  singing "Caribou Queen." He laughed and agreed we were right.  

   


Life Lesson 96:   One thing I've learned from teaching or any other job for that matter is that you have to like what you do., or at least like some of the things about your job, and make sure you can laugh a lot.  because remember what Mark Twain once said that one should "Make your vocation a vacation and you will never work a day in your life."   

Story 95: Muppet madness

        
     
     Several ago when my nieces where about five or six, I was asked if I wanted to go with them to the movies.  I have always loved spending time with my family, and I thought it would fun.

     My sister Stephanie chose the original Muppet movie which was very popular back then.   I appreciate the humor because a lot of the jokes are geared not only to kids, but also to adults as well.  I would be going with my sister, my mother, and my two nieces Melissa and Rachel.

   The film was great, but about halfway through the movie Melissa informed Stephanie that she needed to use the bathroom.  Then, a few minutes later, Rachel asked my mother to take her to the bathroom.  Now I am all alone with a hundred kids and their parents.   Ten minutes go by, fifteen minutes go by, things are getting awkward.  I don't want anyone to think I am pedophile.  Finally, after twenty minutes my sister comes back into the theater with her kids in tow.

  "What happened?" I asked her with a trace of annoyment.   "I was all alone in here for like twenty minutes."

  "Sorry, " Stephanie replied apologetically.  "Melissa got a little sick from all the popcorn.  I'll make it up to you."

 "Not another movie." I said cautiously.

 "Dinner on me after the show," She said graciously. "For being so patient."

"OK," I said. "Sounds good."

 And with that we went back to watching the Muppets, and even I couldn't stay upset while watching a great film, and even better company.

Life Lesson 95:  Watching a comedy is not the only way to have a great laugh, because films last only are short while, but funny life experiences with family may last forever especially when retold.

Story 94: Love is not a four letter word

 
Rabbi E. once told us about a time when he went to a Jewish cemetery to help with a burial.  In the past, he has helped my family when loved ones have died.  Before the burial he was about to begin when he noticed a man beating on a tombstone.  He heard a man say while sobbing, “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.”

Rabbi E. was perplexed. “Why is he doing that?”  he asked a mourner.

It turns out that the man who was beating on the tombstone was a recent widower and the grave he was banging on was his wife's.  The man had never said “I love you.” to his wife, and now it was too late, and she would never hear him say it.

Life Lesson 94: Tell people what you want them to hear now before it’s too late, because even though you “can’t take it with you.” when you share your love with others in words and deeds, those are emotions we take with us forever.

Story 93: A Nobel man

    

      The rabbi at my temple has told many memorable sermons over the years. In particular, he usually pulls out all the stops for the High Holidays (Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur).  These two holidays, the holiest days of the year next to the sabbath, also have the advantage of having a great deal of people in attendance so he always make an effort to make his message important and inspiring, and often very funny.  

    Rabbi E. does not deliver a fire and brimstone sermon like the erstwhile star of our synagogue, Rabbi W., but instead focuses on one with three key points and stories that live on in our memories with words that every man can understand.  In many ways he is like Lincoln.  A gifted orator, but most importantly a mensch for the people.

Rabbi’s story 1: Alfred Nobel:  At one point in history Alfred Nobel was the wealthiest man in Europe.  He acquired this wealth because he developed a very important invention, dynamite.  Dynamite was an valuable tool because it allowed builders to blow up mountains and help create many roads.  However as with many things sometimes there are accidents and people die.  In fact that is what happened.  

     There was an explosion at Alfred Nobel’s factory and the headline in the paper read, “Alfred Nobel, merchant of death, dies in freak accident.” However,  There was a wrinkle to the story because the newspaper got it wrong.  It was really Nobel’s brother who died not Alfred. Alfred Nobel actually read his own obituary.

“I can't believe that they think of me as the merchant of death.” He told a colleague.  “I don’t want people to think of me like that.” And so, he decided to take his money. His millions and created the Nobel prize.  A yearly award for advancement in science, math, English, and most importantly an award for peace.

LIfe Lesson 93: Sometimes in life we can change other people’s perceptions of us, but even we can’t change other peoples perceptions of us, we can always change how we see ourselves, and in the scheme of things, that’s what’s most important.

Story 91: Pranks at work: A case of mistaken identity?

     Prank 3: “The Custodian?”: In my school, students are required to wear gym uniforms with our school’s logo on it.  In the past, when my laundry levels were low I too have worn similar clothes.  A look the custodians do all the time. My co-workers did not let that slide however, and played a good prank on me.    A student knocked on our Phys. Ed. office door and announced, “There's is a spill in the weight room.”

I was confused and replied, “What do you want me to do about it?”

   The student stated, “I was told you would come clean it up.” and with that I started to laugh, and the rest of the office erupted with laughter too.  I saw the culprit in the corner, and nodded in his direction at his brilliance.

Life Lesson 91:  The sign of good mental health is the ability to laugh, and sometimes equally importantly is being able to laugh at yourself.  We all make mistakes or say the wrong thing from time to time, It’s important to acknowledge when we do the wrong things, learn from our mistakes, and smile at our foibles.

Story 92: Used car shopping nightmares

     

    My co-worker G. is a good guy.  Formerly a Phys. Ed. teacher, and currently one of our coaches.  We used to call him “Blockhead” among other names, because of his stubbornness. He also has a long history of doing unusual things.  For example, he once went to a Infinity dealership when he thought he was off from from teaching, and later turned things around to make our chairman feel guilty about harassing him for not being in the school.

  Another time, he told some students, “Don’t worry about your regents exam, if you need six hours, take six hours. “ (The test is only three hours) and three hours later the girl was visibly upset because he basically gave her wrong information, and had to finish her test early.

     G. has gotten into fights with coaches, teachers, and even the custodian.  When the custodian was upset about someone leaving the water on in our office bathroom, G. said, “Close the bathroom door, and do your fucking job.”  

G. pantomimed the act again and repeated this mantra "Close the door, and do  your fucking job."  After that, we couldn’t get toilet paper in our bathroom for a month.

He is also famous for quotes like “It’s about blood flow not cash flow.”, “Get your ducks in a row,” and that he could teach anywhere even a closet.  I of course suggested he come out it.

Prank 4: “The used car:” Before G. got his prius he had an Infinity which he talked about all the time, a perfect name for his car.  One day  however, he decided he wanted to sell it.  Our supervisor Paulie had a good prank in mind.

G. advertised the car in the local paper.  The phone rang for him at school and a strongly accented Indian man began to bargain with him about the Infinity.

“How much are you asking for the car?” The thickly accented man asked.

G. gave a figure of about ten thousand dollars.

The man starting saying bad things about G.'s opinions about the car to the effect, "No, no, no it is only worth five thousand dollar."

G. noticed that people in the office were laughing, and realized the joke was on him. Paulie came out of the side office and we all joined along.

“What’s the matter G.,your not down with brown?” someone asked.

“No that’s not it.,” he replied with a smile, “When it comes to selling my favorite color is green.”

Life Lesson 92: Having people poke fun at us is sometimes better than not being thought about at all, and that laughter is good medicine, and often a lot cheaper than a used car.

Story 90: Pranks at work The letter

      Prank 2: “The letter”:  Another colleague of mine, Chris, is another terrific person who has been through his share of ups and downs.  Briefly excessed for a year, and then thankfully brought back after bouncing around several less than desirable schools in his position as an ATR.  Then, back to my school as a physical education teacher and coach of several sports.  

     When he was new teacher however,  he used to very quiet.   The people in my job gave him a hard time, but only in jest.  So before he was really excessed, we wrote a mock letter from the principal stating, “Dear Chris, we regret to inform you that you have been transferred to Boys and Girls High School. (A challenging HS in NYC), and we wish you good luck in your future duties.”

Chris looked at the letter stunned.  He looked around the office, and my friend Pete asked innocently, “What’s up Chris?”

Chris started to say something but seemed at a loss for words.  After a brief pause, he noticed how quiet the office had grown and then without warning we all burst out laughing.

“Dicks.”  He said, and then laughed along too.

Life Lesson 90: Don’t believe everything you read or hear, and always ask questions, because you never know when the right questions can show you the truth.

Story 89 Pranks at work: The Suit

Pranks. They sound so juvenile. So much like middle school antics, but in the Physical Education department in my school they are alive and well.  In some ways, teaching is like the army or prison life, but without the pushups or soap drops. What I mean is that a lot of what we do is the same routine over and over again.   Bill Murray understood this in his acclaimed film Groundhog Day where every day of his life is repeated.

    I told my friend Peter once that “I do same thing five times a day in the same room for the rest of my life.” The point is that  humor can help us handle monotony. Fortunately, I am the type of person who can watch a film fifty times and not get bored, and usually can laugh at myself too. Other people are not that lucky.  Anyway, back to the pranks.

      Prank 1: “The Suit”:    We have an excellent teacher in our department named John.  We love to bust his balls.  He works extremely hard, but like many rookies is a bit gullible.  So , last year we asked him if he brought his suit for open school night.  Everyone played along.  We broke out our ties and looked at them to see if they were right all the while showing him how conscientious we were, and on the appointed night,  we noticed that John was in his best Sunday suit.  He asked us, “Aren’t you going to put on your suits?”

“Soon,” we replied.  But as the night got later and conference time approached he looked around, and realized that he was the only one wearing a suit.  He laughed, and just to show he could take a joke, wore his suit the whole night.  

      The following term once again we asked him if he was wearing his suit.  He replied that, “I’m not going to fall for that one again.” However, this time, we actually did dress up.  We all wore shirts and ties except for John who simply smiled and said, “What’s going to happen next year?”

“Next year we’ll wear women’s dresses.”  I said.

“I hope I can a transfer before that.”  He said with a laugh. And unfortunately that’s what happened to him temproarily, but we never wore dresses or even a tie again. Maybe we should have just to honor him.

Life Lesson 89:  When in Rome do as the Romans did, but when in school, take that with a grain of salt, and dress to impress, without wearing a dress.

Story 88: Climb every mountain, follow your dream.

 
       few years ago I went hiking with some co-workers. Our destination was Mt. Washington,  New Hampshire, the highest peak in the northeast.  I would like to say it was fantastic, but it was a mixed bag. In retrospect, I probably should have been in better shape.  Fortunately, I had three very conditioned athletes to assist me with the process.  Scott, a star at college crew, Steve, a hard-core cyclist, and Neal, an older but lifetime athlete and nutrition buff.  I was the weak link, but was determined to reach the summit.

 
    Mt. Washington has some of the highest recorded wind velocities on the planet, possibly faster than even Mt. Everest, and many people have died or gotten into trouble underestimating this mountain.  We went to New Hampshire on a Thursday, Brooklyn Queens day.  A holiday we used to get off from work, and took Friday off as well to give us a long weekend.  The night before our climb, we ate a healthy fish meal in a local restaurant.   Before bed,  I was surprised to see my roommate Neal blow-drying his hair in the nude.  Neal, is a former professional athlete and nudist.  So he had no problem walking around in the buff.

In fact, one time at my school he got changed in the Phys. Ed. office with the door open during regents week.  Our co-worker Ron walked in saw Neal half naked with nothing on below the waist, and just stared slack-jawed.  There were still some students in the building, but not that many, but even one student would have been too many.

“What’s the matter you never saw a dick before in your life?” Neal said with amusement.

Ron continued to stare, but still couldn’t talk.  What do you say in that situation? “How’s it hanging?” would have seemed right to me.

Another time, Neal related that he went to some nude beaches on the islands of Greece in his youth.  He visited many, and after enjoying himself immensely continued with his former girlfriend to Cypress, thinking it would be similar, considering it was so close to Greece.  When Neal got to the beach, he and his girlfriend undressed and ran into the water to skinny dip. However, when he got out of the water they got the surprise of a lifetime.

As he walked to shore,  a group of soldiers were facing them with their guns out, Saying “Get dressed and get off the island.” 

    Neal couldn’t understand what the problem was.  What he didn’t realize was that Cypress was under communist rule, and had very strict rules regarding many social issues including it’s beaches and nudity.  Fortunately for Neal, New Hampshire was known for being much more liberal.

Our hike began well, but Mt. Washington is five miles straight up, and after we got to the 1/2 way mark by Pickerman’s Notch, I was growing more and more fatigued.   We spent time near the bowl.  An area where some hikers rest, sometimes even a day or two, before going to the top.  They have cabins their also, and some people like to ski the bowl even through the month of June.

My crew however was committed to finish climbing as soon as possible.  Scott really saved me because he ended up carrying my bag in addition to carrying his own, and on each cairn, a pile of stones along the path, he placed a peanut M&M as a mini goal for me. At every cairn, I ate an M&M.  It was great motivation.  Neal would look down and exclaim, “Come on boy,” or sometimes whistle like he was calling his former dog Teddy.

After five to six hours of effort we summited.  I was exhausted.  We had a well deserved meal of chili and New England clam chowder soup at the top.  Nothing like a hot meal after an arduous journey. 

 After eating, my friends told me they were going to descend.  They hiked down the mountain, while I opted to take a van down.   It’s amazing that you can take a train or car to the top of the mountain, because they have a weather station and museum for tourists.  

    We would attempt to climb the mountain again the following year, but we got lost fording a stream on a different path, and my whole body got torn up by the local branches.  I also got into a huge fight with Steve after I made a few disparaging remarks about his coffee consumption.  I apologized, but he was slow to forgive.  Since then, we have reconnected, but we have never climbed the mountain ever again.

Life Lesson 88:  It's important in life to face obstacles even big ones, but to tackle them slowly.  As they say “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” How do you overcome a big challenge?  One step at at time, and for me it didn’t hurt to have the proper reinforcements to motivate me one M&M at time.  Also, when friends lend their encouragement and support literally and figuratively we can climb to great heights.  Just remember, in words and deeds, to do the same for others, and show respect for all especially nature in it's beauty and fury.

Story 87: This diner stinks, literally, and other stories

Growing up in suburban long island there wasn’t a lot to do on the weekends. Unfortunately few of my friends had girlfriends so we spent a lot of time at the local diner. In this case The Scobee diner which I’ve talked about before. I don’t know if former CIA director Tenet was working there at the time, but I suppose not. 

My friends and I loved to play practical jokes.  the latest was stink bombs. It was new years eve 1986, and as we were leaving I bent down to tie my shoe, and surreptitiously broke a small stink bomb in the lobby. The stink bomb smelled like rotten eggs times ten. I think if I had done it in the main dining area it would have been much worse.  We ran out, and laughed about the ensuing chaos.  We never got caught but the following year we would be experiencing a bit of our own chaos.  Bad karma I suppose.

We were now freshman in college doing all the dumb things that first years do including drinking, etc.  My friends and I were gathered in the back of the Scobee having who remembers what.

Near us was a table of young girls. For some reason we started to joke around with them, and I remember asking if they were interested in a subscription to Horse Illustrated ( A running joke) A few minutes later things would change quickly.

What we didn’t know was that the boyfriends of the girls we were joking around with were at the next table and weren’t especially happy over the perceived insults.

One of the boyfriends who looked like someone from our high school grabbed my friend T. who was tall and Japanese.

“Apologize.” The boyfriend yelled at T.

“I didn’t say anything.” T responded.

“APOLOGIZE.” The boyfriend screamed.

“I didn’t say anything.” my friend persisted.

And with that comment the guy started to punch my friend in the face. I was shocked, but after a few blows I pulled him off of my friend, and found myself staring up at someone with a cocked fist.

“Don’t hit me.” I yelled as I put my hands up, and fortunately he didn’t.

The group of guys left the diner and we waited until we were sure they were gone.  My friend T. had skin missing from his chin, had to incur plastic surgery, and for many years after that we never returned, and only visited a different diner when we were hungry.

Life Lesson 87: : Actions sometimes speak louder than words, and other times, words are pretty loud so be cautious what you say and to whom.  Also, be a good friend to others,  but don’t have such a big ego that you can’t walk away from some situations when practical or apologize, because you can be right and still end up lying on the ground, or sometimes six feet underground.

Story 86: Iguana hold your hand

            About twenty years ago, my friend Andy once went to Egypt on vacation. He made the mistake however of staying at a two star hotel.  A two star hotel in Egypt is probably like a one star hotel in many countries.

When Andy went back to his room after dropping off his bags he noticed to his horror that a large iguana was sitting on his bed.

Andy ran from his room and rushed over to the manager.

“Come to my room quick.” yelled Andy.

“What is it?” asked the manager in return in a thick accent.

Together they proceeded to Andy’s room, and Andy pointed at the iguana and exclaimed, “Look what’s on my bed.”

“That’s o.k.,” said the manager. “He eats the cockroaches.”, and with that the manager simply walked out. Andy shook his head in disbelief, and started looking at his guidebook for other accommodations.

Life Lesson 86: When my brother was in Israel he once slept under a fig tree like a biblical figure, but that was only because he had too. When possible, never stay in a two star hotel, especially in certain countries, because lumpy pillows probably aren’t the only things you may encounter in your bedroom.

Story 81: The 5 Borough Bike Tour

                   
           A few years ago I was fortunate enough to get a spot for New York City's Five Borough Bike Tour.  It was a great experience. Although, it was not without it's ups and  downs.  Literally and figuratively.  It was the first time I rode the race, but hopefully not the last. That year it was the first of six bike tours that I completed in New York, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania.
  
            In order to participate, tickets became available online for one day, but since there was  only a limited number of tickets it sold out quickly.  Subsequently, they have switched over to a lottery system similar to the New York City Marathon. Actually, in a lot of ways the event is very similar the marathon because thousands of riders from all over the world participate,  many fans line the streets to cheer you on, and you get the opportunity to ride on several bridges and roads that you wouldn't usually have the chance to ride on because they are limited to cars.

          I did the tour with my co-worker and friend Yael and her husband Sam, a former NYPD police officer.  I still believe that if hadn't torn the meniscus in my knee from playing in a tennis league, I probably would have done it again the next year as well because I was able to get a voucher. 

          What I like most about the Five Borough Bike Tour is that while it isn't the longest tour in New York State (There are century rides) or even the most scenic (although it does go through Central Park), but it is one of the most famous.  Imagine being able to ride your bike across the Veranazano, the longest suspension bridge in the world, or down the FDR drive alongside thousands of riders. Quite a thrill. 

          The tour is forty-two miles, and you definitely feel it during and after. I know I did at times.  My butt hurt a lot, despite my purchase of "butt butter" and I can remember my hands and feet and other parts going numb several times while riding across the Veranzano bridge at the end.

       Some people like to try to finish the ride it as quickly as possible, like my friend Yael, but then there are others who take their time, stopping at bars and restaurants along the way. Rather than waiting to the end to celebrate, they make the whole trip a party.  I think I like that approach better, but I really didn't have that option.

          Before the race, I spent several weeks training.  I got a great bike a trek 7.3 hybrid while my friend Yael got a lighter more up-to-date version.  Also, we went to Williamsburgh, Brooklyn to carbo load the night before.   After we fueled up on whole wheat pasta, we parked one of our two cars in Staten Island to allow us to get home after the race.  Which sounds good in theory, but sometimes things don't go the way the way you want them to.

       On the day of the race the three of us took trains into Manhattan from our respective homes on Long Island.  Normally you can't take your bike on a LIRR train, but on the day of the race they make an exception.  I will say that the trains were packed with cyclists so I almost wasn't able to get on the train in Bayside.  Fortunately I did.  I met Yael by Penn Station, but from the very beginning, things didn't to so well.  She and her husband wanted to do the ride as quickly as possible, rather than pacing themselves and riding with me and enjoying the moment together.

     I saw them from time to time and Yael called me frequently to tell me where she was.   I don't regret doing the ride, I just wish I could have done it with a friend, because I think that would have the experience more enjoyable.

    On or around mile 37 I was getting close to the Veranzano bridge when I decided to take a drink from my camelback hydration pack. It didn't occur to me that maybe I should stop riding before I drank, and suddenly the mouthpiece came off and started leaking, and I tried to grasp the end in my mouth, and that's when I realized I was riding a bike and found myself falling like a boxer after a big hit.

   I landed hard on the pavement.  Fortunately for me, a different NYPD officer saw me fall and went to my assistance. God bless the police for their vigilance.  He helped me up and directed me to the rest stop which I was luckily adjacent to.  In short order they bandaged my knee, and after a banana and water break I got back on the bike and started to ride.  No sooner did I start riding that I received a call from Yael.

    "My husband is an idiot." She yelled.

     "What happened?" I said with confusion.  I was only 5 miles from the end and wanted to understand what was wrong.

     "He forgot the keys to the car." She stated angrily.

     "Well," I said. "Hang in there. Maybe there is a place where you can get a drink while I catch up."

     And that's what they did. She had a drink with her husband while I pedaled my way to the end.  The Veranzano was truly a challenge. It's incredibly steep if  you ever get the chance to ride on it.  We were on the lower level and I put the bike in the lowest gear in order to get up to the top.  I never stopped pedaling although I could barely feel my feet, and plenty of people were pushing their bikes up the slope.  I was careful to ride in the middle of the bridge because I didn't want to fall over the edge on the right.

     The ride down was swift and exciting, but fortunately without any other incident and within a half an hour I got to my friend's car. She was still fuming.

  "What are we going to do?" I asked them.

   "I called my son." Sam replied sheepishly. "He's coming here now."

   Here now is a relative term, because ultimately it took close to two hours for him to get to Staten Island, because all the approaches were closed to car traffic.  I belt bad for their son who was crying on the phone because every usual route to Staten Island was blocked off.  Fortunately for us he made it, and after a few drinks at the bar and a filling meal, we all headed back to Long Island plenty sore, plenty full, and also some of us with a few regrets.

Life Lesson 81: The road to our goals is not always straight.  There are often speed bumps along the way, but a speed bump doesn't mean stop it simply means slow down and then keep going. And as Vince Lombardi and Rocky have espoused that "It's not how often  we get knocked down (or in my case fall down) but whether you get back up and continue." that makes the difference. And having friends to support us in our trip definitely makes it a lot easier, and remember wherever your journey leads you take the time to enjoy the ride, and most importantly if you drove somewhere never forget an extra pair of  keys. 


         

         

         


             

Story 79 Wacky Jacky Part2

            
            I have a hard time putting Jacky into words.  You really have to know her to believe all the stories.  I do like her, but sometimes she's in a word, challenging. 

          One time we were coming back to Long Island from a party in NYC. Jacky generously offered to drive Luis and I back home.  My brother Bruce wasn't around because he was working in Key West, Florida at the time.  We were very grateful to get the lift back because in New York City the subway is very irregular on the weekends especially late at night. You could easily wait an hour for a train.  Also, the night of the party was extremely cold and had a horrible biting wind.  Luis and I got into Jacky's car, and the first thing I noticed besides the smell was that it was filled with garbage including: papers from work, banana peels, Boston Market packaging you name it.

      I said to Luis, " Look around you may find Jimmy Hoffa buried there somewhere."   Luis just laughed and did his best to sit on the garbage.  Fortunately for us the heater was working well.

      Jacky started the car and I heard the distinctive howl of a worn belt.  

      "I really have to service this car." She stated matter of factly.

        "When was the last time you brought it in?" I asked.

        "About 10,000 miles ago," she answered. "But I don't have the money right now to fix it."

         "It's time. " I said.  Jacky however just shook her head and drove into traffic without any hesitation her car complaining the whole time.  She weaved back and forth between cars like she was playing Grand Theft Auto.  I felt like I was in an airplane with bad turbulence

          I whispered to Luis, "I Just hope we make it home."

          He looked spooked and agreed.  Fortunately we did make it home, and after Jacky waved good bye, I  remarked to Luis,

           "Never again."

           He agreed and then said, "You know she's coming to my party next week."

          "I'll take my own car," I answered.  "At least you have a short commute."

          "Either way she'll probably drive us crazy." He replied with a wink.  I didn't realize how true that would be until the next week's party.

Life Lesson: Avoid complainers and drainers.


           

Story 79: Wacky Jacky part1

           I know, I know, I talked about someone named Wacky Wendy, but there is also a Wacky Jacky She is a friend of mine, but you know there are some people who you like in moderation, but you also don't know if you can spend additional time with them because they are human time bombs.

     By time bombs I mean you never know if they are going to say something irritating or offend someone.  That itch you feel that you can't scratch.  Jacky is like that.  Sometimes it's interesting to sit back and watch what happens.  Like that show Wild Kingdom to see if the animals attack or not. I guess that's why some people enjoy watching Donald Trump too to see who he will offend next.

     Jacky has a good heart, but can also be too sensitive to the environment.  She is allergic to dogs and anything that smells. One time we were out on a boat with our friend and skipper Howard.  Originally there were going to be more people but it ended up only Bruce, myself, Jacky and Howard to see the fourth of july fireworks from the water in Suffolk County. The Grucci fireworks were great from our point of view.  However after the fireworks were over Jacky started to complain.

"Howard, what it that smell?" She asked from a reclined position.

"Fireworks," Howard said simply.

"I feel nauseous," Jacky added. "Can you stop the boat from moving?"

  Howard looked around the dark waters surrounding his anchored boat and replied with a laugh, "Sorry, only God can do that." 

  Jacky merely groaned while the rest of us laughed.  After that trip, she was never a guest on the boat again, but I always mentioned her to Howard if we ever needed more ballast, or some on-ship entertainment.

   Jacky is a single  forty-something Jewish woman who only dates Jewish men.  Right now she's been seeing a seventy year old cantor from Long Island.  My friends have joked that he wants her to blow his shofer, but for Jacky that is strictly verboten.  Apparently the cantor's wife confronted Jacky about their relationship, but she pretended she didn't know what the woman was talking about.

   Another time when it was free movie night in town.  My brother Bruce, our friend Luis, and Jacky went to see Hunger Games.     Jacky got into an argument with a pregnant Persian woman.
The woman was talking in farsi and sitting in the middle seat.

   Now the Iranian Jews in our town have a reputation for being many things some good and some bad including: Loud, cheap, extravagant (especially with their parties, homes, and cars), clicky, but also very family oriented, and religious. A strange juxtaposition, and almost stereotypical.  However, to be fair not all of them are like that.  But unfortunately the loud ones tend to outshine the more sedate people.

   Jacky is Iraqi so she is like water and oil when it comes to the Persians.  She doesn't like many of them from the jump.  On the day of the show she got to the movie theater late and right before the film started Jacky said to the pregnant woman tersely,

"Can you move." I need to sit down.

  The woman was about eight months pregnant and replied calmly," I'm pregnant I need a little more room. Why don't you sit over there." She gestured to a seat a little further away.

 "Fucking Iranians," Jacky replied a bit too loud. "these people think that they can do anything."  "Why don't you go back to Iran." she yelled.

  My brother and Luis just cringed.  Jacky went out of the theater to use the bathroom.

"Want to leave?" Bruce asked Luis.  

"With or without Jacky?" Luis asked.

"I don't know." Bruce said unsure.  

   The two of them walked into the lobby and Jacky met them soon enough. 

"Want to go?" Bruce asked Jacky.

"What about the movie?" She replied.

"We could see it in Bayside they have the same deal tonight." Luis answered.

"Great, " Jacky stated.  "No, Persians and they have a Boston Market in the Bay Terrace shopping center."


   The three of them walked out of the theater, and Bruce said to Luis  quietly, "Well, Jacky really knows how to find a good value."

"If only she worked on some of her human values, I think we would all be better off." Luis replied.

  And with that they all got into my brother's Ford Fusion, and drove towards Queens looking for drumsticks, discounts, and no more drama.

Life Lesson 79: It's often been said that "If you lay down with dogs you will get their fleas." but what about the people allergic to dogs?  If we spend time with them do we become allergic to other people too? If only there was a an allergy shot to learn the value of acceptance of others. I think the world would be a better place.  More to come.




   

      

    

Story 78: A cautionary Cuban tale

      When my brother Bruce and I went to Cuba in early 2000, we traveled extensively around the country, but nothing was as magical as walking in the city of Havana. Cars from the 1940’s and 1950’s zipped around town, and murals of Che Guevara and Fidel were everywhere.  That and a good share of anti-American rhetoric.  It felt like I was in a time warp.  In a country where there were only three channels  on TV just like in the 1950’s, but the only thing on was usually Fidel’s latest speech.

The bars however were great. The  mojito’s at La Bodeguito de Medio were awesome despite the argument I had with a bartender after I neglected to give a tip. It did not spoil the moment however. I also remember fondly having an outstanding daiquiri at a bar that was “La cuna del daiquiri” supposedly the location where Hemingway invented it.

I was enjoying my daiquiri with my backpack across my back, when a beautiful young traveler came into the bar.  Our eyes met, she smiled warmly, and she came over to talk.  Things were going great until I reached into my backpack to get something to write with, and a roll of toilet paper spilled out.  
     I watched in horror as it rolled the entire length of the bar.  Every patron seemed transfixed as it continued it’s long slow journey. Time really did seem to stand still.  Like a boy scout, I was always prepared. I brought toilet paper whenever I traveled because you never knew what bathroom would be out of it.  In Cuba you were lucky if you got a toilet seat. I just wish I had stored the paper in a ziploc.

The woman smiled nonplussed and asked,  “Does this happen to  you often?”

“Sometimes,” I answered with a laugh.  “But it’s ok that’s how I roll.”  and then ordered us a few more daiquiris, in my mind thinking even Hemingway would have been pleased.

Life Lesson 78:  When life gives you lemons make lemonade, and when things don’t go your way, live like the Cubanos and simply roll with it. 

Story 77: LIRR Suburban Legends

The subway is not the only form of transportation with stories.  I’ve heard of people having sex on the LIRR (Long Island Rail Road) in the bathroom, and even right in front of other commuters.

One time I heard a conductor say over the intercom, “Hey Joe are you in the back?”

“Yes,” the other conductor replied.

“Well, give me one in the rear.” He answered indicating a signal of some sort.

The people on our car just looked around and laughed. I said, “Maybe, they should wait till their shift is over.” and we all laughed again.

  Another time I was on the train, and the conductor was coming around to collect tickets. He said to an Iranian woman, "That will be seven dollars."

  She replied as if she might be in the souk, "How about I give you five?"

  He answered, "Lady, this is the LIRR the prices only go up, they never come down." And anyone who has been on the Long Island Rail Road could only agree.

Another time my high school friend Dan told me a truly remarkable story. Apparently, Dan was on his way home from work in the city back to Long Island.  As soon as the train was about to pull out a disheveled caucasian man boarded the train with an Asian baby.  The man was sweating profusely and standing in the rear of the car.

Dan sized him up and was immediately suspicious.

The train started to move and got halfway to the first stop, Woodside, when it abruptly stopped.  The train was delayed for several minutes when  suddenly several police officers boarded the train.  The officers spotted the man and began to approach him from all directions.

“Sir, we’re going to need you to put down the child.” A large officer stated to the man.

The man responded with a high pitch voice, “It’s my baby, my baby.” and held the baby tight.

“Sir, please cooperate. You don’t want to hurt the baby.”  He indicated as the other officers creeped closer.  The rest of the car was completely silent.

“No, It’s my baby, mine.” He answered sharply and clutched the child.

Things looked very grim, but in a split second the officer behind him put his knee into the back of the homeless man, and the baby went flying like a fumbled football, but was fortunately caught by the other officer.

“You can’t take away my baby.” He ranted as he was handcuffed and taken away.  Apparently an Asian woman had left a carriage unattended for a second in Penn Station, and the homeless man had grabbed the baby and ran off with it and hopped onto the train.

When the officers carried the baby away everyone on the train clapped. Except for one Wall Street type man who exclaimed, “Lets go already.”

My friend Dan shook just his head and looked at the man in disbelief.

Life Lesson 77 : Miracles happen every day if you look close enough even on the LIRR. A lot can happen in five minutes, or even five seconds,  and remember that's what life is.  A lot of precious moments. Keep in mind too the idea that “He who hesitates is lost, but those who experience and participate are often found.  Just remember to always be patient.”

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