Story 73: Won't be fooled again

There are some stories that should be classified under you can’t make this stuff up.  I often say that about my High School job.  Or at certain times I’ll say, “Only in “New York.”  I probably should start saying “Only at a community college.”  But the truth is these kind of stories probably are happening at colleges all over the country.

A colleague of mine I’ll call Professor Dan has been teaching community college for twenty years.  He told me a lot of amusing stories. 

    Professor Dan once showed a film about human sexuality, and noticed that a lot of cars were coming to park nearby. He thought it was very strange, until  he went outside and realized that the nearest cars had a perfect view of the interior of his classroom, and as a result a free x-rated drive-in movie.  After that, he still showed the film but always had the shades drawn like a safe house.  Rather than fifty shades.

Another time, Professor Dan was teaching a night course and had a red-haired boy who always spent the time sleeping or using the phone.   This behavior annoyed Dan, but what could he do about it?  The boy always dressed impeccably, and parted his hair on the right side, but one day the midterm came around, and things seemed to change. The troublesome boy came into class only this time his hair was parted on the left side.  Professor Dan graded the test and realized the boy had gotten a 100.  The next class the boy walked in and his hair had returned to the original side.  Professor Dan looked at the boy and said,

“I’m going to ask you a question and if you lie to me, I’m going to fail you.”

The boy appeared very nervous and said, “OK.”

“Do you have a twin brother?” asked the professor slowly.

The boy paused for a moment and then responded softly, “Yes.”

“Well, I have some good news and some bad news,” remarked Professor Dan. “The good news is that your brother got a 100 on the midterm. The bad news is that you failed, and if you ever try something like this again. I’m going to fail you for the class.”

The boy nodded walked away, and Professor Dan simply shook his head in disbelief.

Another time Professor Dan had a boy in his Sexuality class that acted the exact opposite.  This student would stare at Professor Dan constantly. However, Professor Dan noticed that the boy wore glasses, but never seemed to blink.  

        One day Professor Dan walked up to the boy after hearing a strange sound in the back of the class.  Slowly professor Dan walked up to the boy and then proceeded to wave his hand in front of the student’s face.  The student however continued to make a strange sound, but even stranger never blinked once behind his glasses.  

Professor Dan then gently took off the boys glasses and noticed that there were fake eyeballs attached to the back of the glasses.  Dan than walked up to the front of the room and put the glasses in his pocket.  A few minutes later, the boy woke up and said, “Where are my glasses? Where are my glasses?”

The student walked up the professor and asked? “Did you take my glasses?”

Professor Dan stared for several minutes and then replied, “Yes, and if you ever try this crap again I’m going to fail you. for good.” handing the boy back the glasses without the eyeballs.

The student looked surprised and then exclaimed in pain as his girlfriend elbowed him several times saying, “I told you you would get caught, I told you you would get caught.” The two of them slinked out of the classroom together.  

        Apparently the boy had been using the fake eyeballs to sleep in many of his classes, but never again in his human sexuality class thanks to the professor’s close attention to detail.

Life Lesson 73: Be aware of your surroundings and of people. Don’t be afraid to call them on their shit.  Also, imagine how successful you could be if instead of trying to beat the system you tried to master it instead.

Story 72: Toxic Tom

Tom is our school’s basketball coach who smells so bad that he is often called toxic. That and “shot” because he’s so burnt out.  I’m not sure if he’s a good coach or not, but his teams consistently go to the playoffs, and sometimes make it to the city championship.  Whether he’s a good coach or not is unclear, what isn’t debatable is that he really knows talent. 

    Tom knows who the best high school/junior high players are in the nation, and many coaches college and pro respect his suggestions.  He has even had some of his former players reach the NBA.   But because he is so volatile, think Bobby Knight with b.o., that college teams have shunned his advancement to the next level.

One time Kentucky’s coach Rick Pitino was talking to a colleague, and asked him where he was getting his new recruits.  The coach mentioned Tom.  Pitino supposedly said, “Tom’s still there.”

“Even Pitino dissing me.” Tom complained.

Tom also calls everyone “baggin”. One of his player from the south called someone “big one” and it came out “baggin” so like Bilbo from Lord of the Rings, Tom always calls everyone “baggin.”  One time Tom was even taking a CPR class, and as he was hitting the baby dummy on the back stated, “Come on baggin, come on baggin.”  Everyone in class stopped to laugh.   Tom has also coined the term “scrubstitute” to refer to a player on the bench who isn’t up to par.

Several years ago he taught Middle School social studies in Brooklyn, New York.  His students however were not the sharpest knives in the drawer.

Tom asked them several questions about geography but was getting nowhere, and wanted to hear some correct answers. Finally, exasperated, he asked, “Name a state in the south that begins with an “F”.

A student raised his hand quickly and proudly stated, “Coach, that’s easy everyone knows It’s Filadelphia.”  

Tom stared in disbelief and thought to himself, “Now I know why I stick to coaching.”

Coaching however is not always what it was cracked up to be, because he told a student during basketball practice to go to the end of the line, the student replied, “Coach, there’s already somebody there.”

“I hope they follow directions better during a game.” he muttered to himself.

Another time during the pre-season medicals another player said excitedly “Coach, the doctor said I have great blood.”

“What do you mean?” Tom asked confused.

“The doctor said my blood is A plus.”

Tom shook his in frustration, and blew his whistle.  “No more practice today. We have to work on our mental game.”

Life Lesson 72: Tom really is a great example of what can be achieved if you put all your eggs in one basket. Unfortunately it just so happens to be that a lot of his eggs are a bit cracked.

Story 71: Barney's worst nightmare

I don’t know what’s up with people these days.  People certainly have interesting taste when it comes to their clothing.  Yesterday, I was in NYC in the East Village, and saw an abundance of unusual outfits.  One woman was wearing what looked like a checkered table cloth with a small pineapple decorated bag, and see through shoes.  Another man had on a tuxedo top and bicycle shorts.  I really can’t make this stuff up.  You want to say, “Only in New York” but those people would probably dress unusual anywhere they lived.  If anything, I seem to stand out in that neighborhood with my Nike shirt and Bermuda shorts.

Speaking of clothing, my friend Michael always picks up traditional outfits from his travels around the world.  When I used to visit him at a consulate in NYC where he worked, he would inevitably take out a package from Lebanon, or a broom filled shirt from the country of Burkina Faso, designed by Nelson Mandela’s tailor.   He must have more than fifty shirts from different countries.  His wife though wishes he would just donate them, or in her words, “Put them in the attic.”  

      One time when Michael was working in a high school in Queens he had a Korean student.  Michael told him he had a hanbok, a traditional Korean outfit.  The student however didn't believe him.

"You don't have a hanbok." said the student.  Michael was dead set to prove him wrong and the next day wore a hanbok to work.

     "You do have a hanbok." said the student with amazement.  

      "I told you." Michael said with a smile.

  

      If it were up to Michael, he would wear a different one every day even to work.  Only time will tell if that will ever materialize.  My clothing choices are a lot more traditional.

Some people love clothing that is only one color.  Some people wear a lot of black, because they are goth, bouncers at a club, or just want to look slimmer.  I know a woman at my job who wears a lot of purple.  Another woman I knew named Mrs. Wright who worked at my old High School always wore purple clothes every day.  I asked her once, “Why do you always wear purple?”

“Well,” she replied, “I was unhappy until I met Mr. Wright” she said with a laugh, “ And he loves purple, but now I wear it it because I always match.”

“That’s great,” I told her.  “And for Halloween you could always dress as Barney.”

Mrs. Wright was bit overweight and as a result was not pleased at all at my remarks. Come to think of it, I think she never spoke to me again after that conversation, but continued to wear purple every day.

Life Lesson 71:  They say that clothes make the man, and to never ask what a woman weighs.  I would also add that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything, because even a woman who dresses all in purple, can turn a deep shade of red.

Story 70: Cruising Philly with "The Storm"

Several years ago, I went with a few co-workers to Philadelphia.  We were certainly a motley crew.    There was Nick, a basketball coach, Nick’s girlfriend Blondie, and David, Blondie’s brother who has a severe fear of heights.  There was also Paul,  our school’s baseball coach, Skinny fat boy, myself, and the school's soccer coach J.P., AKA,  “The Storm.”

J.P had a reputation for being an exemplary teacher, but has terrible luck, which I discussed in several earlier stores.  I remember one time that a truck had accidentally backed up in the school’s parking lot and ripped off his mirror.

A guy in our Phys. Ed office nicknamed Billy heard about what happened, and decided to add some salt into J.P'

s wounds.

Billy called up J.P.’s classroom and sang a few bars of the Beatle’s “Instant Karma is going to get you.”

J.P. was so outraged that he bellowed into the school phone, ran out of his social studies classroom still in progress to go down four flights of stairs. No small feat for a man who although he has George Clooney good looks also has a belly that looked like he's six months pregnant.  In fact, another co-worker once asked him “Did you eat your daughter?”

He ran down the stairs two at a time, threw open the door to the Phys. Ed. office, and came into the room like a freight train. In fact,  his voice was so high pitched and full of anger I was told that it even sounded like the whistle of a train, or an approaching tornado.

Billy was behind a desk reading the New York Times as usual, and J.P. started to push the desk back towards him with all the force he could muster.

“Stay out of my life. Stay out of my life.” J.P. yelled high-pitched like a tornado.

Billy calmly replied, “Relax, it was a joke.”

“Stay out my life.” J.P. yelled again with torment, and accidentally knocked over and destroyed Billy’s cheap coffee mug.

Fortunately for both of them, our assistant principal came into the office at that time and diffused the situation.  “Gentlemen, don’t get spicy.” He stated simply.

J.P. later apologized for breaking Billy’s mug, but had to give him $50 to make him shut up.  Billy claimed the mug had sentimental value, a fact I highly doubt.

The trip to Philly however was pleasant enough.  Nick was fortunate enough to get a van from the community college he worked at, and we had room enough for a dozen.  Before long, we arrived at our first destination, The Rocky statue.  After a few quick pictures we all proceeded to run up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art, and dance around  like a winning prizefighter or drunken fools, depending on your perspective.

Afterwards, we went over to Pat and Joe’s where we sampled Philly cheese steaks wit (with) cheese as they say.   I liked both, but some Philadelphians have their favorite.  They are other places as well less known that locals swear by.  We then decided to walk around Philly to see the sights before our trip to watch a Phillies game.

J.P. wanted to show us the sights as only an experienced social studies teacher can.  He pointed out many historical landmarks, and at one point proudly stated, “That’s where Benjamin Franklin lived.”

“Excuse me,” Paul stated in a very high pitch voice like a child, “ I have a question. Is Benjamin Franklin related to the Phillies Chase Utlie?”

J.P. didn’t know what to say, but simply stared at Paul with laser beam eyes, and then grumbled, “Asshole.”   After that, J.P. didn’t want to show us any other sites.  So, it was off to the ballpark.

 
      It was a very hot day, and as it turned out we witnessed one of longest Phillies games in history.   Blondie’s brother David had a very hard time because of his fear of heights, and without a New York team the game was a bit boring, but interesting nevertheless on one level, because I had never been to a Phillies game before.  After I lost several pounds of sweat from too much direct sun, we left the ballpark and walked around downtown Philly to find a good place for dinner.  We finally ended up at an Italian place that was very forgettable.

Ten minutes after we ordered, things heated up because J.P. yelled for the waiter. “Waiter, Waiter.”

“Please don’t say anything.” We all said fearing that they might spit in our food.

J.P. had a reputation for scaring the serving staff, because he worked as a waiter too. “I’m in the business” he would say, and often as as not, tell the manager, their server was doing a great job.  This time however, that’s not what he said.

“Why is the food taking so long?”  He bellowed.

The server tried to explain that it was a very big order because we were close to fifteen people. J.P. however was not having any of it and said simply, “This is unacceptable I want to speak to your manager.”

“Skinny fat said to him, “Let it go brother, I’m in the business too, don’t be a show off.”

“What?” J.P. raged, “I just want my food.”

When the manager came over, J.P. went into a tirade.   We all told him he shouldn’t say anything, and in the end after we finally got our food, hopefully spittle-free,  J.P. went to the waitress and paid the entire bill himself.  Which was probably around $300 dollars.  I would have paid my part of it, but no one else did.

The trip back seemed to be very quiet at first.  Paul turned around realized that J.P. was right behind him and said, “Whoh.”  when he found J.P. five inches from his face.

J.P. was busy however trying to figure out his new iPhone.

One other memory was that Blondie was overjoyed when she called a radio station and won tickets.

“Not a Philly game I hope.” I said aloud.

“No,” she laughed. “Concert tickets.”

“Who needs a concert when I have this van ride/trip to entertain us.”  I said, and with that comment a chorus of meow, meow went on next to me, with several grunts of pain in the back too for good measure.

Life Lesson 70: They say that life is journey, and that it’s not getting to the destination that counts, but the journey along the way.  I couldn’t agree more, but let’s hope that you have good friends to make you laugh too.

Story 69: Too hot to trot

 

   Several years ago my brother Bruce and I visited Costa Rica, and found ourselves in the northern part of the country in an area called the Guanacaste region.  I remember being on bus near the Nicaraguan border. The Costa Rican border patrol police were going aground checking passports.   They were looking for Nicaraguans trying to get into Costa Rica.  They reluctantly took my passport, but did not even give it a long glance.  

      Apparently many Nicaraguans try to get into Costa Rica illegally.   Costa Rica is the only democracy in the region and it is in better shape financially and much more stable than Nicaragua.  It is no wonder the Nicaraguans wanted to move there any way possible.  It reminded me of Mexicans risking death to get to the USA.

After our bus trip, we were staying a local hotel, when the owner suddenly announced there was a man going to Rincon Viejo park, a beautiful rustic park with volcanic activity, waterfalls, and lots of animals.  We quickly packed our stuff, but neglected to get additional water.  That proved to be a critical error on our part.

We got to the park and began our hike.  It was a 2-3 hours walk through the jungle.  Along the way, we met a couple from Spain, a Spanish doctor (no relation to a prior doctor in an earlier story) and her husband.  

         We saw butterflies, monkeys, and other strange critters along the way.  I also noticed that my water bottle was getting low and asked Bruce if I could have some of his. Something I feel guilty about even today. In retrospect, it would have been helpful to have a water purifier, but they say that hindsight is 20/20.  

        After a brief drink from his bottle, we came to a bubbling volcanic mud pit.  We took pictures of the Spanish couple beside the the pool and then went swimming underneath a waterfall.  The water was cool and refreshing.  If only our trip was over at the point, but we still had 2-3 hour return hike to go.  

Rincon Viejo is located near Nicaragua as I mentioned  before, and while it is not very humid, it’s heat is deceptive.  More like Arizona.  On our way back, we found ourselves without water.   We had opportunities to get more water from streams, but we were concerned about getting giardia from tainted water.  When I think about it, maybe taking that risk would have been worth it. Because as we were heading back Bruce started to suffer the symptoms of heat exhaustion. It was very scary for both of us.  I really should have listened to the guide books. Blame my mistakes on the errors of youth.

Bruce took off his shirt appeared to be very red and started to act erratically.  I was scared he would die and we wouldn’t make it back. Fortunately for us, the Spanish couple let Bruce have some of their water and with their assistance, made it back to the park ranger station in one piece.

When we got back, we thanked the couple who helped us and then found a faucet of water and began to drink and drink for what seemed to be close to ten minutes from the local water spout.  Water never tasted so good.  It was a moment I’ll never forget.

Life Lesson 69: Never underestimate the environment.  Because when you start to take nature lightly, you may find that nature will make your life painful.  Also, whenever you hike, always hike with others, tell people where you are going, and prepare for the worst case scenario by packing extra water, food, and other things needed to face certain emergencies.  Because an ounce of prevention as they say, is worth a pound of cure.

Story 68: How I almost got killed by a Mets fan

When I was in the eighth grade, my friends Keith, Tohru,  and I went to a New York Mets game.  Back then, the Mets were pretty bad.  So it comes as no surprise that we were easily bored.

We were sitting in the upper deck, and somehow decided to throw packets of ketchup and mustard down on the crowds below for our amusement.  We opened the packets and with a flourish and laughter sent them to the lower decks.

      We didn't think anything would happen to us until the middle of the sixth inning when a large muscular man with a pea green military jacket came up to our level.  His bald head was covered with ketchup and mustard. We were shocked and scared, but said nothing except for a brief “Oh shit.” from Keith.  The man scanned the crowd and noticed a wiry Hispanic boy laughing at him.

The man got enraged and started to hit and kick the boy. Keith, Tohru, and I slowly backed away towards the exit. When the man was going to hit the boy again a police officer tried to intervene, but the man seemed to get even angrier and started to hit the police officer and his associates.  The last image we saw he was being whisked away by a small army of officers with his arms flailing.

Life Lesson 68: The golden rule applies everywhere from lowest ocean to the highest mountain, and every baseball stadium in between.  Do unto others as you would want done unto you, and remember when it rains it pours, and always be careful of rain that is any color other than clear.

Story 67: Jew look marvelous

I’ve talked about my trip to Spain with my friend Bruce before.  Prior to visiting Spain, my brother Dan and I were in Israel doing different educational programs. After a half year in Israel, I was filled with tremendous Zionist spirit and proudly wore my chai around my neck, Jewish numerology which spelled out in Hebrew the number 18 a symbol of life and a representation of my Jewishness.

While my friend Bruce and I were walking around Seville, we came across some young spanish girls who were interested in learning about us.  One in particular was very curious about my jewelry, or in my case (Jewry) and pointed to the chai and said, “Que este un caballo?” (What it that a horse?)

“No,” I replied with a laugh. “Judio” (Jewish)

She looked at me very queerly and replied, “You do not follow el popa?” (the pope)

I looked at her and simply shook my head no.  Considering that many of Spain's Jews were driven out in 1492, it probably shouldn’t have been such a big surprise to me that she didn’t encounter very many Jews returning to Spain.   However it was a teachable moment to bridge different cultures.

Life Lesson 67:  It’s important to learn about each other, to let people know where you stand, and to be proud of who you are, where you’re from, where you’re going, and that love, peace, and equality are the same things no matter what language you speak.

Story 65: Better to give than receive?

Years ago, Michael and I and some NYC teachers were traveling in the country of Turkey.  We had a wonderful time and saw a lot of the country that tourists rarely get to see.  The kindness and pride of the people, and a beautiful country filled with unique landscapes and ancient buildings. We also had the opportunity to dine at many fine restaurants off the beaten track, and spend time with Turkish citizens.

One time in particular we visited the home of a very wealthy businessman. However, before we entered his apartment,  Our host looked at Michael who was wearing a utility belt that contained a multi-tool and said, “Why do bring a weapon into my home? This is a home of peace.”

Michael laughed and took out the multi-tool and explained “This is something that  can help solve problems not make them.”

Our host examined the instrument, nodded,  and then agreed immediately, and said softly, “If only the problems of our country could be solved so simply.”

He and his family them very generously served us a huge traditional meal and we all discussed America’s perceptions of Turkey, and he in turn informed us about some of his countrymen’s viewpoints as well.

After the meal, we gave out gifts.  We had gone to Brooklyn and picked up several souvenir hats with New York logos on them, and proceeded to give them to our host’s family.  Michael Jackson shirts also.  They were well received.  However, when we were done, I was asked if we had any other gifts.   

         I looked into my bag, but I all I found was some packs of gum.  I took it out of the bag and placed it on top of the pile of gifts.  Our host looked said a few words to his family in Turkish, and then said a brief “thanks.” 

        Unbeknownst to me,  our host was the owner of a huge multi-national corporation, and while american pop apparel was unique, the gum was something he probably had a lot of.  When we left, we vociferously thanked him, and he in turn gave us gifts of towels of lush “pamook” cotton.

As we drove away on the bus everyone held up their towel gifts.  Michael and Kristin had huge downy towels, but when I held my towel up I realized that all I had was 2 small dish towels.

“What the?” I said,  “Why didn’t I get a good towel like you guys did?”

The bus erupted with laughter, and Michael said jokingly, 

“That one was probably on the floor in the bathroom.  Michael continued and said, in our host’s voice “Michael and Kristin, thank you so much for your generous gifts. I give you our country’s finest cotton.  And Eric thanks for the gum here are some used dish towels…”

Life Lesson 65:  It’s been said that what goes around comes around, and what you give out in life you get back times three. Or in my case sometimes you barely get even two. So be generous, its the right way to be.

Story 63: Plane English

      I like the Spanish language and I like to think I am pretty good at it, but certainly not fluent like my friend Michael.  Michael’s Spanish is so good, very often Mexican citizens think he is a Spaniard or a local.

Whenever we traveled Michael would often talk in different languages to the various people we met.  He can converse in Spanish, Hebrew, Arabic, and even Japanese.  

For example when we were returning from our trip to Turkey, Michael struck up a conversation with a local Spanish Doctor in the Istanbul Airport.   Later as we boarded our plane, Michael attempted to put his carry-on bag in an overheard compartment, but a very rude woman said he couldn’t because the entire space belonged to her.   Michael was rightfully angry, but his new friend said don’t worry he would put Mike’s bag in his overhead bin.

The doctor was very fit for his age, and effortlessly put Michael’s large bag in the overhead bin.  I noticed his assistance, and tried my best to give him a compliment

 I wanted to say he was as strong as a bull “Un torro”  but instead I said, “Fuerte, como un burro.”  (Strong as an a..)

The man's son was visibly angry and yelled, “Did you call my father an a--?” in Spanish.

Michael quickly translated that my Spanish was poor and what I meant to say, but the damage was done, and there were no goodbyes at the end of trip, nor did they offer any assistance to help get our bags out of the space.

Life Lesson 63:  It’s not always what we say, but also how and when we say things, whether in English or other languages, and that sometimes actions speak louder than words.  Just make sure that whatever language you choose, say it and do it right the first time, because you never get a second chance to make a first impression.

Story 58: The Monkey on your back: Crush that craving

       

     Everyone's got monkeys, but some have more than others.  The question is not whether we have one or not, but how to get rid  of them or at best learn to deal with them as well as we can. Some people have addictions to drugs, food, fame, sex, love, or other such thing. Some have a combination (dual diagnosis)

        All one needs to do is turn on the television to such shows as my strange addiction, and we can see there is some weird shit out there. Some of us want to overcome their paraphilias and some others do not.  Others don't even realize they have a problem. MTV is just as rife with unusual monkeys as evident by their show MTV True Life. (A fave of mine)

         How to get help? I wish I knew.  Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite.  A high school health teacher and college professor.  Do I always make the right choices? Yeah right.  The problem is that primitive drives are much stronger than rational thought.  At least temporary.

         Part of me feels that the AA model may be right for many people.  You know the idea of one day at a time, realizing that you are powerless, and that with the support of other people we can overcome our bad decisions.  I frequently tell my students it's not how smart we are, but how smart our decisions are.

        The British model for dealing with alcohol addiction "Rational recovery." probably has merit too. The idea of drinking in moderation.  Personally I think it's like methadone, and may not be helpful for everyone.  

        Sometimes I think about the movie A Beautiful Mind where the mathematician John Nash copes with psychiatric problems which seem all to real to him. On a side note I visited the mansion from the film at a park near Yonkers.    Nash eventually realizes that his visions aren't real and rather than trying to eliminate them deals with them as well as he can.  He acknowledges them and still goes about his day, realizing they can't control him.  but rather he can control them, even if he can't eliminate them altogether.  This strikes me as a pretty good philosophy.

       There are other times that we know in our hearts that something or someone is wrong for us, but we rationalize that "we deserve it/them." etc.  Charles Duggan in his excellent book The Power of Habit had it right too when he stated that you cannot eliminate a bad habit, but someone can replace it with something else.  Ideally a healthy substitution. Example, people who are trying to quit smoking and add exercise to their lives tend to be more successful than those who just quit cold turkey.

       Personally, I just came across an article from Men's Health
that one can overcome a sugar habit by adding hiking into your life.  That's an article I am anxious to read.  I also saw an article at my college that said when our blood sugar levels are low, we often make bad choices in general not just about eating.  I would add that when we make one bad choices like eating one poor food, it often becomes a poor decision downward spiral.  I suppose the best thing we can do is avoid the bad food in general, or use it as an occasional splurge, not as a  way to medicate bad feelings such as shame or guilt.

         Furthermore I feel that to crush that craving one needs to realize how any addiction or habit is affecting different aspects of ours lives, and that with commitment we can make progress in managing it.  Note I didn't say eliminate altogether. Some of us can do this on our own.  We can also seek help in group settings, spiritual help for those that appreciate it, positive substitutes, and most importantly work on our monkeys one day at time.  I wish you all good luck, and remember it's a process.  And that progress takes time and effort. Honor your achievements and learn from your mistakes. Don't berate yourself if you slip, because we're all human.

     

Story 60: Finding love online

My friend Jay is a great guy and a few years ago was in the limousine business.  One day he went onto the website Classifieds 2000 (Which no longer exists) and perused the ads for a used car for his business.  He scanned many ads, but did not find any that appealed to him.  However, since he was online he figured he should check the personals.

It was a good thing he did, because he met his wife Lara that way.  He has often joked, that he didn’t find a car, but instead found his wife.

Life Lesson 60:   The Rolling Stones have sung, “You can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need.” and, in this case, it’s someone he wanted, needed, and dreamed.

Story 59: The last straw

Dating has been a real challenge for me over the years. People say I am too picky, and perhaps I am, and as I get older I sometimes wonder if life has passed me by. Lately,  it seems that getting a third date is harder than Roger Bannister running a mile in under four minutes, or pilot Chuck Yaeger breaking the sound barrier, but seriously, some of these women are very weird.

I went out with a woman a few times that had a bad habit of sticking out her tongue at strange times, and not in a sexy way.  It had to be neurological in nature, but I just couldn’t handle it.  It turned out that my friend Roberto had gone out with her too and had a similar experience, and reacted the same.  

More recently,  I dated a woman who I thought was very attractive at first.  I took her to a nice vegetarian restaurant in New York City on a dark and stormy night.  The date went great and I believed there really might be some potential.  In fact, I eagerly texted her on the Long Island Railroad after the date. Something I rarely do.  

However, the next time I met her for improv comedy in NYC.  I waited  for her outside the UCB theater.   This time I met my date at 6:30 p.m. A bright sunny evening.  She started walking towards me and waved, but I didn’t recognize her.  She looked much worse. It was like the Seinfeld  episode where a woman looked very different in the daylight.  I looked behind me but no one was there. She approached me and said,

“What's the matter you don’t recognize me?” She asked.

“I don’t have the best vision.” I lied. 

After the show, we went to a tea bar and had iced teas.  I had iced green tea and she had iced passion tea.  I joked to my friends the next day that the only passion I had that night was when I drank a bit of her drink.

“Would you like to try some of my drink?” She asked.

“Sure.” I replied ready to dip my straw in her glass.

“Wait,” She stated. “Let me get a third straw.” And with that she preceded to get additional straw.  She put a third straw in her drink.

“Try some please.” She said with a flourish.

I wanted to say to her, “If it’s this hard to drink your drink, how the hell are we ever going to be intimate? 

I took a brief sip and smiled, but inside I said to myself, ‘This third straw is the last straw’ and while there was a third straw, there was no third date.  

Life Lesson 59: I believe the basketball coach John Wooden or Wayne Gretsky once said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take in life.” and I while I agree with this statement, sometimes your shots go in, but you don’t really want to score.

Story 49: Wacky Wendy

        

    I had a former girfriend named Wendy, (no relation to anyone in the UK.)While sometimes critical of some of the things I did, she had an unconditional love for her rescue dog Ruby.  It’s been over ten years, but I fondly remember her affection for her pet.  She would frequently take Ruby to the Upper West side dog run for some exercise.  One time, while they were meeting other dogs, a small dog peed on Wendy’s leg.  I told her if bird poop is considered good luck, why not other things as well. She however did not agree.

Wendy also has a mild case of OCD.  She would frequently turn a light off and on, or would check her door lock multiple times before we could leave her apartment.  

     One time we also went to Assateague Island in Maryland to camp out with the wild horses.  In the middle of the night, there was a huge rain storm, and during that time Wendy had to leave the tent to check the car multiple times to make sure it was locked before we could go to sleep. Why anyone would try to get into her car in the middle of a rain storm remains a mystery. Nevertheless we had a great time despite her anxieties.

          I enjoyed camping on the beach with her, although I won’t miss the biting flies that preyed on us in the morning. I enjoyed seeing dolphins swimming in the water, and horses in the wild. It reminded me in a small way the rustic nature of how our country used to be, and maybe it could still be.  

Life Lesson 49:  When dating people remember that usually they don’t change too much so either accept them for who they are, or move on.

Story 48: Mistakes at Macy's

      Years ago, my girlfriend aka Wacky Wendy was shopping at Macy’s.  She was walking around and wanted to know where the restroom was.  Wendy went up to the side of a woman and said:

“Excuse me,” but the woman said nothing.

Wendy said “Excuse me.” once again more forcefully, but again the woman did not reply.

“Excuse me.” Wendy said again with even more emphasis, but once again there was silence.  Frustrated, Wendy went to face the woman to have a eye-to-eye with her, and then she became very surprised. The woman that made her so upset was in fact only a mannequin. 

   Another time, she was in The GAP. Wendy decided to try on a few pairs of pants and she had brought her dog along with her. While she was in the changing room she heard a woman yell, 

“Whose dog is this?”

Apparently the dog had gotten under the door of the fitting room, and decided to have a look around. Wendy never brought the dog shopping again.

    Life Lesson 48:  As the author Steven Covey says frequently, "First seek to understand and then seek to be understood." or in this  case make sure before you get angry that the person can speak at all.

Story 47: The dog days of high school

      

  I grew up on Long Island, and one of my best friends I met when I was in ninth grade named Dan.  Dan and his sister Stephanie had a little black Scottie named Muffin.  Muffin was a very cute dog, but always seemed to have a knack for getting in trouble. Stephanie even more so.

     One time Stephanie took a magazine subscription card and filled it out in Muffin's name.  I think it was for Dog Fancy or Better Homes and Gardens, but I really don't remember which one. Every month the magazine would be delivered to "Muffin."
    

      When the subscription was over Muffin would get letters saying to the effect, "Dear Muffin have you considered renewing?" or "We miss you Muffin."  Eventually Muffin got on other mailing lists, and got offers to reduce her debt, obtain new credit cards, and timeshares in Florida.  Every time she got a new letter we had a big laugh.  Muffin was famous we said.  Little did we know how true that would be.

       A well known dog photographer, not William Wegman, loved to photograph Scotties.  When he saw Muffin he fell in love with her. He actually sent a limousine to pick her up, and she appeared in a book about Scotties.

       Speaking of books. While Muffin liked being in the book she had a propensity for eating them too. I remember one time when we were in high school Dan and I were sitting on the floor in his room, and he had inadvertently left a few textbooks on the ground.  Muffin always liked to play tug of war, and Dan looked up with concern to find her with a copy of his English book A Town Like Alice in her mouth.  Now Dan and I positively hated the book, but neither of us wanted to pay for a new one.

       "Muffin, no." Dan tried calmly. "Give me the book."

         Muffin looked at Dan with her small black eyes and shook her head slowly back and forth like someone saying no.

         "Muffin." Dan tried again.

          Muffin was not going to let go of the book without a fight, and then just when he thought he got her she darted into the other room and hid under the bed.  Dan looked underneath and Muffin had  the book firmly in her mouth.  Dan finally got the book back but the cover was ripped off.

       "What am I going to tell Mr. Mack?" he asked me.

       "It's a dog-eat dog-world?" I said tentatively.

        "More like dog eat book world." he replied.

         "Well, she certainly has a 'taste' for bad literature." I said with a laugh.

and with that we went back to playing Intelivision football not worrying about homework or school. Muffin watched the screen and probably dreamed of becoming a cover star.

Life Lesson 47: Every dog has it's day, but in Muffin's future eyes that day was every day.