This goes down in the category of you can't make this shit up. A few days ago I was teaching in my classroom on the first floor of our building trying to inspire the youth of tomorrow, completely unaware of the meshugas taking place in the basement.
According to my colleague, a skinny substitute teacher, also called an ATR (automatic temporary replacement) had burst into our PE office and yelled out, "Help! I need a rope."
He said this while desperately holding up his pants and underwear which were rapidly falling off his body, and potentially giving my colleagues the full monty. Now my fellow Phys. Ed. teachers sometimes change in our office, but full frontal nudity is a rarity.
One of the teachers big Jay yelled at the ATR, "Don't kill yourself this job isn't worth dying over."
Apparently all my friends were laughing hysterically at the situation, but the ATR named Klubman only replied, "This isn't funny. I need a belt!"
He really came to wrong office for help. ATR's have a bad reputation. Even though sometimes it's not their fault they are in their current position. Many of them have lost their jobs due to excesses in their former schools. However, some of them have lost them due to incompetence, or the principal just doesn't like them for some reason. In this case the reason was obvious he was someone who was just plain bizarre.
On some level I could relate to Klubman's problem, because one time I substitute taught for a week in Brooklyn at an elite prep school called Brooklyn Friend's Academy. Each day I would wear a sports coat, tie, and gray or tan slacks. On one of days I taught I sat down abruptly, and my pants split in the back. Fortunately, I didn't panic, and soon after the period was over I went to a tailor on court street who sewed up my pants while I waited in a closet for him to finish. If the ATR was cool about it, and preferably made a joke, we probably would have been more supportive. No pun intended.
Instead, some of the teachers went into the bathroom laughing or simply laughed right at Klubman who was getting more and more upset, and kept repeating, "This isn't funny. Stop laughing at me!"
Another one of my colleagues named Francis tried to be more supportive. He suggested that Klubman use pre-wrap (similar to an ace bandage) to hold up his pants.
Klubman mindlessly tried wrapping the bandage around his waist, but to no avail.
"It's not working! Does anyone have any rope?"
Then, a new teacher named Mark offered,"I have a jump rope."
Klubman grabbed the jump rope like a drowning man grasping a life preserver, and began wrapping it around his waist.
"No," another Phys. Ed. teacher yelled out helpfully. "put it through the loop of your pants."
And that's what Klubman did. He tied it in front, and it worked for the most part.
"I can't believe I'm using a jump rope as a belt." he said repeatedly as he left to go up the gym. My colleagues just shook their heads in disbelief.
I thought the matter was over, but the next day a teacher in another department named Mark told my friend Kurt that "A man came into the school with a jump rope tied around his waist." We knew all about it.
Klubman was back. Why didn't he just wear another pair of pants, or get another belt I will never know. I just know it was a story we will never forget.
Life Lesson 122: Keep your head up even when your pants are falling down.
