Story 109: Address the birthday stress part2

It's official. It's the one year anniversary of my blog.  With close to five thousand views from all around the world.  To all of the people who have spent some time reading my stories or listening I thank you.  In the future I am working on converting some or all of them to youtube videos  to increase exposure, and also god willing book form.  If you have the time I would appreciate some comments.  It's always nice to get feedback.  Either way I'll keep writing, and I have some other book projects in mind.  I'll keep you posted (no pun intended)

Not only was it the one year anniversary of my blog, but also my mother's 83rd birthday.  Last year I took her to Besitos as some of you know from my earlier post, and this year my family took her to Grand Luxe cafe on Long Island, and individually to Jolly Fisherman in Roslyn, NY.   I think Jolly Fisherman is the best place for lunch on Long Island.

It always amazes me how much emphasis we put  on youth in our society, and unfortunately how often  ageism pervades.   I love the fact that on the island of Okinawa there is no word for "retired."  if you get the chance watch Dan Buetnner's Ted Talk "How to live to be 100."  He explains which behaviors we can incorporate into our lives to live longer.  I call it the six "F's"   They include

1) Friends
2) Family
3) Food 
4) Fitness
5) Fun
6) Faith

Many of the people who live to be centenarians or super centarians (110 or more) do many of these behaviors.  My mother is no exception.  Although I do wish she was more physically active.
I often tell her that one lap around the track is better than no laps around the track.  My physical therapist also used to say "Motion is lotion."  A saying my mother often says as well.

What amazed me at the restaurant was that it seemed that my mother knew everyone, or if she didn't she tried to. There was a neighbor from down the block who was celebrating a birthday and a friend from the temple as well.  People though surprised were generally very supportive.

"What did you have?" my mother asked one table.

"Is it your birthday too?" my mother asked another.

She spoke to each waiter like a person having a talk with a friend.  (To all the patient support staff at Jolly Fisherman thank you) 

"Where were you born" (In spanish) "Have a great week,etc.")

By the time we left she had spoken to every waiter and in a few cases suggested that they take an ESL class at the school she used to work at.

Now people generally dress up at Jolly Fisherman for lunch: Sports coats, nice polo shirts, dresses.  My mother however stands out.
She wore her favorite hat something similar to the hats women wear in Bolivia, or maybe some men in the Dominican Republic or Cuba.  She was also wearing a bright orange poncho the whole night.  If It was lunch she probably would do the same.

When the meal was over and we picked up the customary loaf of delicious date nut bread to go I asked my mother if she enjoyed the meal.  She replied,

"Thank you for taking me for my birthday it was simply devine."

Life Lesson 109: And I thought to myself thank you mom for having another birthday year to share. You are truly special, one in a million, and maybe your name instead of Levine it should be instead devine.

Story 108: The end of the road

I really like the film Patch Adams despite the subsequent deaths of Robin Williams and Phillip Seymour Hoffman. I've actually written Patch a few times, sent him some letters and jokes, and even invited him to come speak to my school.  He always writes back, and has very generously sent me signed letters and several books.  Although getting him to come speak at my school would be quite expensive unfortunately.

Speaking of death, there is a scene in Patch Adams in which Patch (Robin Williams) discusses death with a dying patient named Bill. The way he does it is by dressing up as an angel and saying, "Previews of here to come."   He gives Bill who is quite angry something to think about including euphemisms for death: "To die, to push up daisies, to push up posies, the big sleep, kick the bucket, bury you ass up so I have a place to park my bike, etc." 

Eventually Patch is able to crack Bill's harsh demeanor and he ends up saying similar words too.  If we think about Elizabeth Kubler Ross' stages of death and dying I would probably identify Bill in the anger stage, and even though many people have disputed her theory, at least in the film, Patch is able to help Bill get to the later stage of acceptance, and helps him cope with the end of life.

The point I am trying to make is that doctors very frequently try to avoid becoming too close to their patients because they fear that transference of emotions may cloud their objectivity and make them too emotionally involved.  Patch disagrees and says that getting to know the patient is a good thing, and that laughter is good, sometimes the best medicine.  I've read studies also that say patients are less likely to sue doctors even incompetent ones if the doctors is liked and spends enough time with them.  Food for thought.

What got me thinking of the end of life is that I recently went to a funeral and a wake for two different people.  It struck me that in the end what really matters about a persons life was not how much money or material possessions someone has, but the more intangible things.  The subjective vs. the objective.  Things that are  so often hard to measure.

My mother's friend Pearl recently died at the ripe age of eighty five.  A good life many would say.  A full life.  But what struck me most at her funeral was the outpouring of emotion her friends and family shared.  Her husband Dave told us the story of how they met.  He got two phone numbers for women named Pearl at a party back in the 1940's.  David however could not remember which one was which.  He would later say that he picked the better one.   Dave was in the service and was surprised that when he told Pearl he needed to go to Germany to serve in the Army, she told him that she was going too.  She loved him so much that she didn't want to risk losing him.  So that's what she did. Wherever he went, she went too.

In modern times some cynics might say that she was worried he might cheat on her, but the truth was simpler she loved him so much that she wanted to be close to him. 

More recently Pearl experienced a stroke, fell, and then lost the ability to speak.  All she could do was squeeze his had.  Before her death Dave would name people and she would simply squeeze his hand.  Definitely a time when actions speak louder than words.  At the funeral, he asked that we turn to our loved one and tell them "We love them," and squeeze their hands.  There wasn't a dry eye in the whole place.

Other family members got up to speak.  They told how Pearl cooked with recipes she never shared and claimed certain food was fat free and sugar free when probably it was neither. Just because she wanted people to enjoy her food.  Her family told of her kindness and support over the years.  You would think that when you left a funeral you would be very sad, but the truth is I felt a range of emotions.   Part of me felt numb and part of me felt warmth from all the love that her family members shared and part of me was thinking about my life and loved ones.  I wondered what will people say about me when I die? Who will stand for me?  It made me realize what's important in life.

The wake I attended for a colleague's father wasn't Jewish obviously, but the sentiment was the same.  Friends and family turning out to support one another.   Seeing my friend's father's body displayed was a bit shocking for me because in the Jewish religion it isn't done.  But my friend Big Mac explained that loved ones can see the deceased and this helps give them closure.  That was probably one of the few insightful things he has said in a long while.  I thought the many displayed pictures were poignant as well.  

My friend K. was very appreciative of our coming out to Suffolk county for the wake, and it reminds us that wakes, shivahs, and funerals are not only for the deceased but also for the living.  To show our love and support.

I've faced loss before.  Both family and friends.  It never gets easier, but different cultures face loss in different ways.  Some people mourn, others throw a party like they do in New Orleans or drink in the person's honor. 

There are many ways to honor someone who has passed away. Some  people name children after a loved one, plant trees in Israel, get tattoos, thank a parent at the academy awards for inspiring them, or just say to themselves that I want to do, or don't want to do something because of them.

Life Lesson 108: Support people in their time of need, and don't hesitate to tell a loved one that you appreciate them, but rather sing their praises and often.  Learn about their lives, and write their stories down. Tell them that you love them now. Don't wait, because sometimes it might be too late.