I remember a time when our former union rep asked a colleague in a condescending tone, "How are things in the land of short pants?" Referring to the fact that many PE teacher wear shorts. My colleague said nothing, but merely glared. Being that I was a first year teacher and did not want to anger my union rep, I bit my tongue. But inside I wanted to ask him in response, "How are things in the land of the big ego's?"
PE teachers have a reputation for being dumb. You know the stereotypical jock, and some of them are, but they can also be very funny.
Recently my co-workers have said some things that have amazed me too.
A guy I like to call Big Mac said to a girl without thinking, "Do you like to wrestle?" She looked uncomfortable and replied, "I can't I have too much on my plate already."
When she left we yelled at Big Mac.
"You idiot. That was so awkward. You couldn't just ask her if she wants to join the wrestling team?"
He simply laughed, and now when other girls leave our office he says to me when they leave, "Do you want to wrestle?"
BM has said and done many other funny things too. One time he called the dean because a student threw out a piece of paper in the garbage pail.
"Can you believe it. He threw a piece of paper out in my garbage pail."
We looked at him shocked. "Wait, he didn't throw it on the floor, but threw it out and you called the dean?"
"That's right," Big Mac answered. "He shouldn't be coming into my gym to throw things away."
I was too stunned by his stupidity to say anything.
Another time somehow the topic of germs came up and Little John said, "Don't touch my hand sanitizer dispenser, because I don't want your cooties."
"What are you a homophobe?" Big Mac asked.
Once again I laughed and said, "Did you mean germaphobe?"
Mac just laughed sheepishly.
One time Mac also commented to a colleague, "A leopard can't change his stripes"
I looked at him and said "You mean spots?"
Mac laughed and said, "potato, patatato what does it matter?" He stated with a grin.
And to think this is the guy that we usually trust with our lottery money.
The last Big Mac story is truly amazing. My school is getting a lot of special education students. Our favorite and nicest is a large Indian boy named Tom. Tom is like Lenny from Of Mice and Men, but with a a huge heart. He loves singing the Carvel ice cream theme, and some of us have told his mother that he is why we teach.
One day though, Big Mac walked into the boy's locker room and after sniffing stated, "What the hell is that smell?"
"Sir," Tom stated. "I seem to have had an explosion in my pants."
Mac thought for a minute and then stated, "You should go upstairs to the main office and have them call home for you."
So that's what Tom did. He started walking around the building looking for the main office. He walked into several classrooms asking, "Is this the main office.?" After several disappointed attempts he came back to our Phys. Ed. Office.
"Hello gym people." Tom said with a smile. "Is Mr. M here?" he asked.
"Tom, what's that smell?" Little C asked.
"I had an explosion in my pants." Tom said again. "Mr. M. said I should go to office but I couldn't find it."
Little C stated, "Don't worry my brother I'll take you to the nurses office and also get you some new sweats."
And that's what they did. However when Mac came back into our office we tore into him.
"Hey asshole how could you send Tom all around the whole building?"
"I thought he could find it?" He replied.
"You couldn't just get send him to the nurse?" We yelled.
"I thought he could get there." He said matter-of-factly.
"Dumbass." I said and others yelled other things too.
Speaking of dumb, my colleague that we affectionately call "Little C", starting singing Billy Ocean songs in our office one day.
"Caribou Queen." he said a few times.
"Dude, that's Carribean Queen." I said emphatically.
"No, are you sure? I'm pretty sure it's Caribou Queen." He answered defensively.
Our office started singing, "Caribou Queen."
"I'ts the top song in Alaska." I told them. As we all laughed together.
"Maybe you're right." He said with a laugh.
I thought the fun was over but a few minutes later Little C started opening up some hard boiled eggs. He banged one on his desk and then realized it wasn't hard boiled and egg yolk went all over his desk.
"You idiot." Big John yelled.
"You're a goddamn genius." Mac yelled out.
"I told my parents (whom he lives with) to hard boil the eggs." He stated emphatically.
"Well, at least this one is definitely hard boiled." He remarked.
Little C picked up another egg and proceeded to crack it open again on his desk, and much to his surprise, but not ours, the second was also uncooked, and egg yolk went all over his desk again.
"Crap not again." He yelled again.
"Stupid is as stupid does." I said.
Life Lesson 107: I've said it before that the definition of insanity is doing the same again and again in the same way and expecting different results. Or in Gumpspeak "Stupid is as stupid does, and sometimes as stupid says."
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