Story 95: Muppet madness

        
     
     Several ago when my nieces where about five or six, I was asked if I wanted to go with them to the movies.  I have always loved spending time with my family, and I thought it would fun.

     My sister Stephanie chose the original Muppet movie which was very popular back then.   I appreciate the humor because a lot of the jokes are geared not only to kids, but also to adults as well.  I would be going with my sister, my mother, and my two nieces Melissa and Rachel.

   The film was great, but about halfway through the movie Melissa informed Stephanie that she needed to use the bathroom.  Then, a few minutes later, Rachel asked my mother to take her to the bathroom.  Now I am all alone with a hundred kids and their parents.   Ten minutes go by, fifteen minutes go by, things are getting awkward.  I don't want anyone to think I am pedophile.  Finally, after twenty minutes my sister comes back into the theater with her kids in tow.

  "What happened?" I asked her with a trace of annoyment.   "I was all alone in here for like twenty minutes."

  "Sorry, " Stephanie replied apologetically.  "Melissa got a little sick from all the popcorn.  I'll make it up to you."

 "Not another movie." I said cautiously.

 "Dinner on me after the show," She said graciously. "For being so patient."

"OK," I said. "Sounds good."

 And with that we went back to watching the Muppets, and even I couldn't stay upset while watching a great film, and even better company.

Life Lesson 95:  Watching a comedy is not the only way to have a great laugh, because films last only are short while, but funny life experiences with family may last forever especially when retold.

Story 94: Love is not a four letter word

 
Rabbi E. once told us about a time when he went to a Jewish cemetery to help with a burial.  In the past, he has helped my family when loved ones have died.  Before the burial he was about to begin when he noticed a man beating on a tombstone.  He heard a man say while sobbing, “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.”

Rabbi E. was perplexed. “Why is he doing that?”  he asked a mourner.

It turns out that the man who was beating on the tombstone was a recent widower and the grave he was banging on was his wife's.  The man had never said “I love you.” to his wife, and now it was too late, and she would never hear him say it.

Life Lesson 94: Tell people what you want them to hear now before it’s too late, because even though you “can’t take it with you.” when you share your love with others in words and deeds, those are emotions we take with us forever.

Story 93: A Nobel man

    

      The rabbi at my temple has told many memorable sermons over the years. In particular, he usually pulls out all the stops for the High Holidays (Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur).  These two holidays, the holiest days of the year next to the sabbath, also have the advantage of having a great deal of people in attendance so he always make an effort to make his message important and inspiring, and often very funny.  

    Rabbi E. does not deliver a fire and brimstone sermon like the erstwhile star of our synagogue, Rabbi W., but instead focuses on one with three key points and stories that live on in our memories with words that every man can understand.  In many ways he is like Lincoln.  A gifted orator, but most importantly a mensch for the people.

Rabbi’s story 1: Alfred Nobel:  At one point in history Alfred Nobel was the wealthiest man in Europe.  He acquired this wealth because he developed a very important invention, dynamite.  Dynamite was an valuable tool because it allowed builders to blow up mountains and help create many roads.  However as with many things sometimes there are accidents and people die.  In fact that is what happened.  

     There was an explosion at Alfred Nobel’s factory and the headline in the paper read, “Alfred Nobel, merchant of death, dies in freak accident.” However,  There was a wrinkle to the story because the newspaper got it wrong.  It was really Nobel’s brother who died not Alfred. Alfred Nobel actually read his own obituary.

“I can't believe that they think of me as the merchant of death.” He told a colleague.  “I don’t want people to think of me like that.” And so, he decided to take his money. His millions and created the Nobel prize.  A yearly award for advancement in science, math, English, and most importantly an award for peace.

LIfe Lesson 93: Sometimes in life we can change other people’s perceptions of us, but even we can’t change other peoples perceptions of us, we can always change how we see ourselves, and in the scheme of things, that’s what’s most important.

Story 91: Pranks at work: A case of mistaken identity?

     Prank 3: “The Custodian?”: In my school, students are required to wear gym uniforms with our school’s logo on it.  In the past, when my laundry levels were low I too have worn similar clothes.  A look the custodians do all the time. My co-workers did not let that slide however, and played a good prank on me.    A student knocked on our Phys. Ed. office door and announced, “There's is a spill in the weight room.”

I was confused and replied, “What do you want me to do about it?”

   The student stated, “I was told you would come clean it up.” and with that I started to laugh, and the rest of the office erupted with laughter too.  I saw the culprit in the corner, and nodded in his direction at his brilliance.

Life Lesson 91:  The sign of good mental health is the ability to laugh, and sometimes equally importantly is being able to laugh at yourself.  We all make mistakes or say the wrong thing from time to time, It’s important to acknowledge when we do the wrong things, learn from our mistakes, and smile at our foibles.

Story 92: Used car shopping nightmares

     

    My co-worker G. is a good guy.  Formerly a Phys. Ed. teacher, and currently one of our coaches.  We used to call him “Blockhead” among other names, because of his stubbornness. He also has a long history of doing unusual things.  For example, he once went to a Infinity dealership when he thought he was off from from teaching, and later turned things around to make our chairman feel guilty about harassing him for not being in the school.

  Another time, he told some students, “Don’t worry about your regents exam, if you need six hours, take six hours. “ (The test is only three hours) and three hours later the girl was visibly upset because he basically gave her wrong information, and had to finish her test early.

     G. has gotten into fights with coaches, teachers, and even the custodian.  When the custodian was upset about someone leaving the water on in our office bathroom, G. said, “Close the bathroom door, and do your fucking job.”  

G. pantomimed the act again and repeated this mantra "Close the door, and do  your fucking job."  After that, we couldn’t get toilet paper in our bathroom for a month.

He is also famous for quotes like “It’s about blood flow not cash flow.”, “Get your ducks in a row,” and that he could teach anywhere even a closet.  I of course suggested he come out it.

Prank 4: “The used car:” Before G. got his prius he had an Infinity which he talked about all the time, a perfect name for his car.  One day  however, he decided he wanted to sell it.  Our supervisor Paulie had a good prank in mind.

G. advertised the car in the local paper.  The phone rang for him at school and a strongly accented Indian man began to bargain with him about the Infinity.

“How much are you asking for the car?” The thickly accented man asked.

G. gave a figure of about ten thousand dollars.

The man starting saying bad things about G.'s opinions about the car to the effect, "No, no, no it is only worth five thousand dollar."

G. noticed that people in the office were laughing, and realized the joke was on him. Paulie came out of the side office and we all joined along.

“What’s the matter G.,your not down with brown?” someone asked.

“No that’s not it.,” he replied with a smile, “When it comes to selling my favorite color is green.”

Life Lesson 92: Having people poke fun at us is sometimes better than not being thought about at all, and that laughter is good medicine, and often a lot cheaper than a used car.

Story 90: Pranks at work The letter

      Prank 2: “The letter”:  Another colleague of mine, Chris, is another terrific person who has been through his share of ups and downs.  Briefly excessed for a year, and then thankfully brought back after bouncing around several less than desirable schools in his position as an ATR.  Then, back to my school as a physical education teacher and coach of several sports.  

     When he was new teacher however,  he used to very quiet.   The people in my job gave him a hard time, but only in jest.  So before he was really excessed, we wrote a mock letter from the principal stating, “Dear Chris, we regret to inform you that you have been transferred to Boys and Girls High School. (A challenging HS in NYC), and we wish you good luck in your future duties.”

Chris looked at the letter stunned.  He looked around the office, and my friend Pete asked innocently, “What’s up Chris?”

Chris started to say something but seemed at a loss for words.  After a brief pause, he noticed how quiet the office had grown and then without warning we all burst out laughing.

“Dicks.”  He said, and then laughed along too.

Life Lesson 90: Don’t believe everything you read or hear, and always ask questions, because you never know when the right questions can show you the truth.

Story 89 Pranks at work: The Suit

Pranks. They sound so juvenile. So much like middle school antics, but in the Physical Education department in my school they are alive and well.  In some ways, teaching is like the army or prison life, but without the pushups or soap drops. What I mean is that a lot of what we do is the same routine over and over again.   Bill Murray understood this in his acclaimed film Groundhog Day where every day of his life is repeated.

    I told my friend Peter once that “I do same thing five times a day in the same room for the rest of my life.” The point is that  humor can help us handle monotony. Fortunately, I am the type of person who can watch a film fifty times and not get bored, and usually can laugh at myself too. Other people are not that lucky.  Anyway, back to the pranks.

      Prank 1: “The Suit”:    We have an excellent teacher in our department named John.  We love to bust his balls.  He works extremely hard, but like many rookies is a bit gullible.  So , last year we asked him if he brought his suit for open school night.  Everyone played along.  We broke out our ties and looked at them to see if they were right all the while showing him how conscientious we were, and on the appointed night,  we noticed that John was in his best Sunday suit.  He asked us, “Aren’t you going to put on your suits?”

“Soon,” we replied.  But as the night got later and conference time approached he looked around, and realized that he was the only one wearing a suit.  He laughed, and just to show he could take a joke, wore his suit the whole night.  

      The following term once again we asked him if he was wearing his suit.  He replied that, “I’m not going to fall for that one again.” However, this time, we actually did dress up.  We all wore shirts and ties except for John who simply smiled and said, “What’s going to happen next year?”

“Next year we’ll wear women’s dresses.”  I said.

“I hope I can a transfer before that.”  He said with a laugh. And unfortunately that’s what happened to him temproarily, but we never wore dresses or even a tie again. Maybe we should have just to honor him.

Life Lesson 89:  When in Rome do as the Romans did, but when in school, take that with a grain of salt, and dress to impress, without wearing a dress.

Story 88: Climb every mountain, follow your dream.

 
       few years ago I went hiking with some co-workers. Our destination was Mt. Washington,  New Hampshire, the highest peak in the northeast.  I would like to say it was fantastic, but it was a mixed bag. In retrospect, I probably should have been in better shape.  Fortunately, I had three very conditioned athletes to assist me with the process.  Scott, a star at college crew, Steve, a hard-core cyclist, and Neal, an older but lifetime athlete and nutrition buff.  I was the weak link, but was determined to reach the summit.

 
    Mt. Washington has some of the highest recorded wind velocities on the planet, possibly faster than even Mt. Everest, and many people have died or gotten into trouble underestimating this mountain.  We went to New Hampshire on a Thursday, Brooklyn Queens day.  A holiday we used to get off from work, and took Friday off as well to give us a long weekend.  The night before our climb, we ate a healthy fish meal in a local restaurant.   Before bed,  I was surprised to see my roommate Neal blow-drying his hair in the nude.  Neal, is a former professional athlete and nudist.  So he had no problem walking around in the buff.

In fact, one time at my school he got changed in the Phys. Ed. office with the door open during regents week.  Our co-worker Ron walked in saw Neal half naked with nothing on below the waist, and just stared slack-jawed.  There were still some students in the building, but not that many, but even one student would have been too many.

“What’s the matter you never saw a dick before in your life?” Neal said with amusement.

Ron continued to stare, but still couldn’t talk.  What do you say in that situation? “How’s it hanging?” would have seemed right to me.

Another time, Neal related that he went to some nude beaches on the islands of Greece in his youth.  He visited many, and after enjoying himself immensely continued with his former girlfriend to Cypress, thinking it would be similar, considering it was so close to Greece.  When Neal got to the beach, he and his girlfriend undressed and ran into the water to skinny dip. However, when he got out of the water they got the surprise of a lifetime.

As he walked to shore,  a group of soldiers were facing them with their guns out, Saying “Get dressed and get off the island.” 

    Neal couldn’t understand what the problem was.  What he didn’t realize was that Cypress was under communist rule, and had very strict rules regarding many social issues including it’s beaches and nudity.  Fortunately for Neal, New Hampshire was known for being much more liberal.

Our hike began well, but Mt. Washington is five miles straight up, and after we got to the 1/2 way mark by Pickerman’s Notch, I was growing more and more fatigued.   We spent time near the bowl.  An area where some hikers rest, sometimes even a day or two, before going to the top.  They have cabins their also, and some people like to ski the bowl even through the month of June.

My crew however was committed to finish climbing as soon as possible.  Scott really saved me because he ended up carrying my bag in addition to carrying his own, and on each cairn, a pile of stones along the path, he placed a peanut M&M as a mini goal for me. At every cairn, I ate an M&M.  It was great motivation.  Neal would look down and exclaim, “Come on boy,” or sometimes whistle like he was calling his former dog Teddy.

After five to six hours of effort we summited.  I was exhausted.  We had a well deserved meal of chili and New England clam chowder soup at the top.  Nothing like a hot meal after an arduous journey. 

 After eating, my friends told me they were going to descend.  They hiked down the mountain, while I opted to take a van down.   It’s amazing that you can take a train or car to the top of the mountain, because they have a weather station and museum for tourists.  

    We would attempt to climb the mountain again the following year, but we got lost fording a stream on a different path, and my whole body got torn up by the local branches.  I also got into a huge fight with Steve after I made a few disparaging remarks about his coffee consumption.  I apologized, but he was slow to forgive.  Since then, we have reconnected, but we have never climbed the mountain ever again.

Life Lesson 88:  It's important in life to face obstacles even big ones, but to tackle them slowly.  As they say “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” How do you overcome a big challenge?  One step at at time, and for me it didn’t hurt to have the proper reinforcements to motivate me one M&M at time.  Also, when friends lend their encouragement and support literally and figuratively we can climb to great heights.  Just remember, in words and deeds, to do the same for others, and show respect for all especially nature in it's beauty and fury.

Story 87: This diner stinks, literally, and other stories

Growing up in suburban long island there wasn’t a lot to do on the weekends. Unfortunately few of my friends had girlfriends so we spent a lot of time at the local diner. In this case The Scobee diner which I’ve talked about before. I don’t know if former CIA director Tenet was working there at the time, but I suppose not. 

My friends and I loved to play practical jokes.  the latest was stink bombs. It was new years eve 1986, and as we were leaving I bent down to tie my shoe, and surreptitiously broke a small stink bomb in the lobby. The stink bomb smelled like rotten eggs times ten. I think if I had done it in the main dining area it would have been much worse.  We ran out, and laughed about the ensuing chaos.  We never got caught but the following year we would be experiencing a bit of our own chaos.  Bad karma I suppose.

We were now freshman in college doing all the dumb things that first years do including drinking, etc.  My friends and I were gathered in the back of the Scobee having who remembers what.

Near us was a table of young girls. For some reason we started to joke around with them, and I remember asking if they were interested in a subscription to Horse Illustrated ( A running joke) A few minutes later things would change quickly.

What we didn’t know was that the boyfriends of the girls we were joking around with were at the next table and weren’t especially happy over the perceived insults.

One of the boyfriends who looked like someone from our high school grabbed my friend T. who was tall and Japanese.

“Apologize.” The boyfriend yelled at T.

“I didn’t say anything.” T responded.

“APOLOGIZE.” The boyfriend screamed.

“I didn’t say anything.” my friend persisted.

And with that comment the guy started to punch my friend in the face. I was shocked, but after a few blows I pulled him off of my friend, and found myself staring up at someone with a cocked fist.

“Don’t hit me.” I yelled as I put my hands up, and fortunately he didn’t.

The group of guys left the diner and we waited until we were sure they were gone.  My friend T. had skin missing from his chin, had to incur plastic surgery, and for many years after that we never returned, and only visited a different diner when we were hungry.

Life Lesson 87: : Actions sometimes speak louder than words, and other times, words are pretty loud so be cautious what you say and to whom.  Also, be a good friend to others,  but don’t have such a big ego that you can’t walk away from some situations when practical or apologize, because you can be right and still end up lying on the ground, or sometimes six feet underground.

Story 86: Iguana hold your hand

            About twenty years ago, my friend Andy once went to Egypt on vacation. He made the mistake however of staying at a two star hotel.  A two star hotel in Egypt is probably like a one star hotel in many countries.

When Andy went back to his room after dropping off his bags he noticed to his horror that a large iguana was sitting on his bed.

Andy ran from his room and rushed over to the manager.

“Come to my room quick.” yelled Andy.

“What is it?” asked the manager in return in a thick accent.

Together they proceeded to Andy’s room, and Andy pointed at the iguana and exclaimed, “Look what’s on my bed.”

“That’s o.k.,” said the manager. “He eats the cockroaches.”, and with that the manager simply walked out. Andy shook his head in disbelief, and started looking at his guidebook for other accommodations.

Life Lesson 86: When my brother was in Israel he once slept under a fig tree like a biblical figure, but that was only because he had too. When possible, never stay in a two star hotel, especially in certain countries, because lumpy pillows probably aren’t the only things you may encounter in your bedroom.