There are some stories that should be classified under you can’t make this stuff up. I often say that about my High School job. Or at certain times I’ll say, “Only in “New York.” I probably should start saying “Only at a community college.” But the truth is these kind of stories probably are happening at colleges all over the country.
A colleague of mine I’ll call Professor Dan has been teaching community college for twenty years. He told me a lot of amusing stories.
Professor Dan once showed a film about human sexuality, and noticed that a lot of cars were coming to park nearby. He thought it was very strange, until he went outside and realized that the nearest cars had a perfect view of the interior of his classroom, and as a result a free x-rated drive-in movie. After that, he still showed the film but always had the shades drawn like a safe house. Rather than fifty shades.
Another time, Professor Dan was teaching a night course and had a red-haired boy who always spent the time sleeping or using the phone. This behavior annoyed Dan, but what could he do about it? The boy always dressed impeccably, and parted his hair on the right side, but one day the midterm came around, and things seemed to change. The troublesome boy came into class only this time his hair was parted on the left side. Professor Dan graded the test and realized the boy had gotten a 100. The next class the boy walked in and his hair had returned to the original side. Professor Dan looked at the boy and said,
“I’m going to ask you a question and if you lie to me, I’m going to fail you.”
The boy appeared very nervous and said, “OK.”
“Do you have a twin brother?” asked the professor slowly.
The boy paused for a moment and then responded softly, “Yes.”
“Well, I have some good news and some bad news,” remarked Professor Dan. “The good news is that your brother got a 100 on the midterm. The bad news is that you failed, and if you ever try something like this again. I’m going to fail you for the class.”
The boy nodded walked away, and Professor Dan simply shook his head in disbelief.
Another time Professor Dan had a boy in his Sexuality class that acted the exact opposite. This student would stare at Professor Dan constantly. However, Professor Dan noticed that the boy wore glasses, but never seemed to blink.
One day Professor Dan walked up to the boy after hearing a strange sound in the back of the class. Slowly professor Dan walked up to the boy and then proceeded to wave his hand in front of the student’s face. The student however continued to make a strange sound, but even stranger never blinked once behind his glasses.
Professor Dan then gently took off the boys glasses and noticed that there were fake eyeballs attached to the back of the glasses. Dan than walked up to the front of the room and put the glasses in his pocket. A few minutes later, the boy woke up and said, “Where are my glasses? Where are my glasses?”
The student walked up the professor and asked? “Did you take my glasses?”
Professor Dan stared for several minutes and then replied, “Yes, and if you ever try this crap again I’m going to fail you. for good.” handing the boy back the glasses without the eyeballs.
The student looked surprised and then exclaimed in pain as his girlfriend elbowed him several times saying, “I told you you would get caught, I told you you would get caught.” The two of them slinked out of the classroom together.
Apparently the boy had been using the fake eyeballs to sleep in many of his classes, but never again in his human sexuality class thanks to the professor’s close attention to detail.
Life Lesson 73: Be aware of your surroundings and of people. Don’t be afraid to call them on their shit. Also, imagine how successful you could be if instead of trying to beat the system you tried to master it instead.
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