J.P. is a friend of mine. He is a very good person, very religious, with a big heart, but is also very frenetic, and unfortunately drives the same way he lives, scattered. For example, he often loses things like his keys, and when he comes into a room it’s like a storm blowing in. In fact, we often call him, “The Storm.”
I try to avoid driving with him whenever possible, because he is very easily distracted. Once however he offered to drive the people in our office into NYC for a volleyball game.
“You guys want to ride with me?” He offered generously. There was a pregnant pause as we debated the merits of a speedy trip vs. dying horribly along the way. All the while, he looked at us with a stare that would sink a ship piercing you like laser beams. Eventually, we relented and took the risk.
Not long after we entered Manhattan, he reached into the glove box to find a cd. He did this for a good half a block, and only after someone yelled, “Watch out.” did he screech to a halt at the light and look up.
A few minutes later he took his eyes off the road again, stared at a woman on the street, and remarked, “That woman just gave me an eye bath.”
How he noticed anyone from that angle confounded me, but we all laughed along with him.
Since that time, we have also traveled together to Yankees games, and even as far as Philadelphia with no real incidents, but always a good tale.
When J.P. was younger he used to drive a bread truck in Corona, New York. On one delivery he mistakenly parked the car on a hill, but forgot to set the parking brake. After a few moments, he noticed that the locked car was barreling downhill towards a bodega.
“Runaway truck, runaway truck.” He screamed as he ran downhill to the store.
The truck plowed right into the convenience store (not very convenient for them), but fortunately for everyone, no one was hurt. However, he never delivered another loaf, and we joked that J.P. was better than UPS because he always made his delivery whether the store was open or not.
Another time, J.P. had to drive to Newark Airport. He decided to take the Midtown tunnel into Manhattan. As he approached the tunnel, he realized that he was too far over to the left, so he got out of his car and started to move some orange traffic cones to allow him to switch lanes. A police officer noticed his actions and started yelling.
“What the hell are you doing?” screamed the officer.
“Sorry, I just need to get to the airport.” J.P. stammered.
“Well, I want you to go back and do it again.” The police officer stated while pointing to the exit ramp.
J.P. started to complain, but after realizing the officer was serious, got back into his car, and proceeded to do a U turn. After traveling a short distance back into another lane and start heading towards the toll.
Once again, the same police officer got in front of J.P.’s car and started to curse.
“Where the fuck do you think you are going?” bellowed the officer.
“Officer, officer, what did I do? I did it again just like you said.” J.P. explained.
“No, I don’t want you to come into Manhattan today, come back another time, maybe next week when I’m not around.”
“But officer I need to get to the airport.” J.P. persisted.
“Sorry, not today, not this way.” the officer replied while shaking his head no and folding his arms.
Finally, a supervisor came over to see what was taking so long, and after a brief conversation, the first officer gave J.P. a ticket, and allowed him to enter the city. J.P. later went to court to fight the ticket, but the officer never showed up and the case was thrown out.
Life Lesson 22: As previously advised, be careful when you drive, who you drive with, always be respectful of the law, the agents of the law, and most importantly the laws of physics.
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