Story 7: A celebration I would like to forget but can't

    Sometimes I feel like I never left high school. Considering that I’ve worked as a High School teacher for many years, in effect I never did.

  The night I graduated was very special. After the ceremony at C.W. Post, I went with three of my friends, Bruce, Dan, and Keith to a local comedy club.  First we drank some pitchers of beer and then tried our first Long Island ice teas. My friends didn’t really like them, however  after I drank four of them I remarked,

  “These taste just like ice tea, in fact I don’t even taste the alcohol.”

Little did I know home much alcohol they actually had.

  Our next stop was the former Scobee diner in Little Neck, Queens. There are some interesting facts about that diner. For example, a former CIA director once worked there. In addition, I once got into a fight there and  broke a stink bomb in the lobby one New Year’s eve.  

  Speaking of Little Neck, another time when I was out to dinner in Israel I remember seeing little neck clams on the menu.

  “Wow, I can’t believe it, all the way from Little Neck, Queens.”

A woman next to me replied, “No honey, that’s just the size of the clam.”

  I didn’t know what to say so I just smiled and kept quiet.

The night of my graduation I remember that when we got to the Scobee I ordered my usual late night meal of pancakes. We enjoyed our meal and on the way out I saw my brother Dan with one of his friends.

“Hi Dan.” I said in a voice way too loud.

My brother took one look at me and said to my friends, “Just make sure he gets home in one piece.”

  I waved good bye and we headed home in my friend’s Volvo.  The diner was only a short distance from my friend’s  house in Long Island. All of a sudden, I felt sick and ended up throwing up all over the back seat of my friend Dan’s car.  

  “Shit.” Dan called out.

  “Open the window.” Bruce yelled.

I looked down at the seats and floors of the car that were now covered in pancake vomit, and worst of all, so was I.   Well, I thought, at least it wasn’t a fish fry. I don’t even remember how I made it home.

  The next morning I woke up and experienced my first hangover. My head was splitting and the room was spinning. A few hours later I called my friends to see if everything was ok.

  My friend Dan said that cleaning the vomit was like the scene in Pulp Fiction when John Travolta and Samuel Jackson have to scrape brain out of the backseat of a car.

The worst part of my the story was not how sick I felt the next day, or the fact that I desecrated my friends car, but that his sister Stephanie, for years would call out to me whenever we would drive somewhere,

“Don’t forget to roll down the windows.”

Life Lesson Seven: Someone once said an elephant never forgets, but I would argue humans have the longest memory of all especially when you do them wrong. So, do the right thing always, and when in doubt, keep those windows open, or simply your mouth shut.

Story 6: A Tale of Two Milk Drinkers

Milk is a great food, some say the perfect one, others blame it for many allergies, inflammation, etc., but it can certainly be enjoyed outside the home  and in social settings. Why should the kids have a monopoly? In the book A Clockwork Orange they even had milk bars.

 
         In 1988 I was in a restaurant in Spain with my friend Bruce and I decided to order some milk at a traditional bar. I ordered the milk because I was anxious that the water might be contaminated. I was a bit more paranoid about certain issues back then. When the milk arrived, I took one sip and it seemed sour with a strong taste of garlic. I motioned the bartender over to help me.

“Excuse me,” I said “The milk doesn’t taste right.” 

He took the milk from me, took one sip from the glass as I looked on in horror and exclaimed,“Its fine.” and gave it back to me.

I was shocked and replied, “No it’s not,” and “I want something else.”

The man stared at me for a long while and then asked what I wanted. I ordered a beer even though it was only 12 in the afternoon.

 I turned to my friend Bruce and asked,  “What just happened?”

Bruce looked at me and replied “In America, we are so used to the customer being right, but in many countries in Europe it’s different, it’s the restaurant that is always right.”

From that moment on, I learned my lesson and never ordered another milk at a bar or restaurant, but I wish I could say the same for my friends.

Several years ago I went with my friend Pete and some of our co-workers to the Grand Lux Café in Long Island, New York. The restaurant is part of the Cheesecake Factory chain. The Grand Lux Café is a very fancy restaurant and has a pretty cool bar. Anyway, we were all at the bar having some drinks. Most of us were enjoying beer or wine, but my friend Pete ordered some cake and a glass of milk. 

A little while after we ordered, a beautiful blond woman with a short red dress walked in and sat at the bar. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Peter checking her out hungrily even more than his cake. He was drinking his milk while staring at the woman. I smiled and called out in a deep low voice similar to our colleague Neal, “Drink that milk boy.”

As soon as Peter heard me, he started to laugh and the milk shot out from his mouth and nose and traveled at least ten feet. One or two drops went in the direction of the woman with red dress.  For some reason, as soon as it landed near her she decided to get up and walk away from the bar.

“You got her.” I joked.

“No,” he replied. ”Did it really land on her?”

Seeing how flummoxed he got I answered, “Probably not, but you should probably give up trying to have your cake and meet her too.” and with that we laughed and looked for someone else to talk to.

Life Lesson Six: Let’s just say that if you want to talk to a woman, milk may be good for the bones, but probably not the best beverage at a bar if you want to take her home.

Story 5: The Train in Spain

In 1988 I spent three weeks traveling through Spain and Portugal with my friend Bruce. To get back home to America we decided to return to Madrid from the Costa Del Sol in a sleeper car.  We would travel at night, sleep aboard the train, and be back at Madrid in the morning. It seemed like a foolproof plan except for one incident.

Bruce and I were sleeping on the top bunks, and beneath us was a Spanish family. In the middle of the night there was an explosion. 

 What the hell was that noise? I said to myself. Did the train derail? Or maybe it was the work of terrorists? 

I looked down at the Spanish family and they were all covered in water, and screaming, “Agua, Agua.”

What happened? I wondered, and then I saw the cause. Apparently, my extra large water bottle had fallen from it’s location on the top bunk, and landed on the ground with the impact of a missile. Water went all over the family and their belongings. The father of the group picked up his brown suede shoes now soaked with water and exclaimed, “Mis Zapatos, agua.”

My friend Bruce used to say that for some reason when I am in a crisis my Spanish always seems to kick in. I’m not sure if that’s true but after a few moments I replied to the family, “Lo…..Lo siento.” (I’m sorry), they briefly acknowledged me, and then tried to go to sleep once more.

Life Lesson Five: What can we learn from this story? Perhaps knowing the five P’s: Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance. Being prepared can help us deal with problems if they arise, and often helps prevent some of them.  I probably could add “Proper pronunciation.” to this list as well, and to remember that as they said in the film My Fair Lady, “The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.” and sometimes in the train if you aren’t careful.

Story 4: The Bing Bar Incident

              

         
    I’ve done many bad things when drunk. I’ve peed in closets thinking they were bathrooms, and not remembered doing it, thrown up in a friend’s Volvo (More about that later), but the funniest incident by far was in 1988. In that year, I decided to visit my friend Dan at SUNY Binghamton. One night, we went to a local bar called Sport Time. The bar was in a basement, dark, and very crowded as many college bars typically are. In a town like Vestal, New York there really isn’t much to do except drink, and that’s what my friends and I did, to excess.

After a few hours of drinking, I felt a very strong need to pee. Because it was ½ price wing night, I had to push my way to the bathroom to get through the throng of people. When I was almost there,  I noticed a man blocking my way to the rest room. I waved at him like someone signaling another car to proceed.

“Go ahead.” I said, motioning him with my hand.

He said nothing but waved in the same way.

 “Go.” I implored and waved.

Once again he said nothing again, but waved too.

“Go!” I shouted.

He said nothing but waved furiously like I had in response.

“O.K. I’ll go.” I replied.

And that was when I realized I had consumed way too much Southern Comfort, because instead of walking into the bathroom I walked right into a mirror. The worst part of the encounter was that I suddenly realized the “person” I was talking to wasn’t a stranger at all, but was me all along.  Years later, I actually met someone who frequented that bar and he told me that the “Mirror incident” happens all the time. I hope he is right, because it would make me feel less stupid, and would put an all new meaning to the term, “Copy cat.”

Life Lesson 4:  I think the moral of the story is that we all make mistakes, and it’s important to be able to laugh at ourselves and not take things too seriously. As William James once said, “What lies behind us, what lies ahead, pales in comparison to what lies inside of us.” or in this case what's in front of us as well.

Story 3: Kosher Ham

       

            I used to live in Queens, NY and back then I had a Shoprite supermarket later to be replaced by an organic Korean 24-hour market. One day, I went to the supermarket to do some grocery shopping.  When I was at the appetizing counter, I heard an amazing story. The deli-man related to me that an elderly woman had come to his section and made an unusual request.

“Good afternoon sir, I would like a pound of the kosher ham.” Remarked the elderly woman.

The man behind the counter replied, “Lady there is no such thing as kosher ham.”

The woman became a bit more agitated and stated, “I want a pound of the kosher ham!”

The grocery clerk responded again even more firmly, “Lady, there is no such thing.”

The woman became visibly angry and said in an exasperated voice, “Yes there is, my daughter has been giving it to me for years.”

Life Lesson 3: I felt bad for the old woman’s story, angry at the daughter, but just a bit impressed at her deviousness.  As I pondered the lie she told, it made me wonder that if man can walk on the moon, use stem cells to build organs, clone sheep, why not create kosher ham? Maybe it could happen, but probably only in New York, because as Sinatra crooned “If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.” 

Story 2: Who cut the cheese?

        

      Several years ago,  I spent a semester of college at Tel Aviv University. One day, I decided that I needed to do some food shopping so I went to the local Super Sol market. After getting my usual items, I went to the back of the store to get some appetizing.

I looked at their selection and then said in my best attempt at Hebrew, “Tayn le kilo of gvenah.” (Give me a pound of cheese.) 

        What I didn’t realize at the time was that a kilo was two pounds instead of one. The man starts cutting and cutting, and the pile of cheese is rising faster than the Trump tower, but I didn’t know how to say “Stop” or even “Enough.”

I thought for a moment and then bravely shouted out “Mastik” (Gum) but this only confused the man and he kept on cutting. Finally, the answer dawned on me. I blurted out, “Maspeek.” (Enough) and the slicer slowed, and then ultimately stopped.  

      The man slicing the cheese replied, “Dai?” (enough?) 
I replied “Dayenu.” (Enough for me) as I blew a sigh of relief.

 My brother would later remark that, “It’s a good thing he wasn’t a moyl doing a circumcision.”, and I would have to agree that would have been a lot worse.

Life Lesson 2: What can we learn from this experience? I often share with my students the quote that, “Minds are like parachutes they work best when they are open.”, and that’s why I encourage everyone to be open minded when visiting different countries, to learn about the culture and a few survival words. Personally, I know how to say thank you in twenty languages.  One word doesn’t seem like such a big deal to learn, but a few words in a local language goes a far way, and often brings a smile that can makes someone’s day, and personally that’s “Enough” for me.

Story 1: The one that got away

I have visited Key West, Florida many times times. It’s a great place to get drunk, indulge in anything with a key lime, visit Hemingway’s haunts, and watch amazing sunsets. It also has some terrific fishing. A few years ago, my brother Bruce and I went there with some former girlfriends.  After a day of drinks and snorkeling off a catamaran, we decided it was time to try our luck at catching dinner.

Jackie Mason once said there is no bigger schmuck than a Jew on a boat. Well, there were four of us now trying to prove him wrong. In the past, when my brother and I were in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, we had once attempted to obtain a meal by fishing from the shore, but it was to no avail. After catching our lines on rocks a few times we simply gave up. This time we were going to get it right.

Things started to get interesting from the start of the fishing trip. We were in the back of the boat watching another passenger fight it out with a fish.  The fisherman fought hard, the deckhand gave directions, and suddenly a fish came onto the deck, or should I say half a fish. 

“That’s a barracuda.” Someone exclaimed.

There was no mistaking the fish with several rows of sharp teeth. Apparently, something bigger than the barracuda probably a shark had bitten it in half while it was on the line. 

“That’s why we all need to keep trying,”  Bruce remarked.   “Because that one’s only good for 1/2 a sandwich.”

So try we did. In the end, we were successful in catching a few groupers.  What was great was that if you brought any fish back to the dock, a local restaurant would cook it up for you. When we returned to shore, my brother went to get his fish from the pile.

Bruce started to pick up his catch when all of a sudden he felt something pulling back. Looking up at him was a large white pelican with beady blood-red eyes holding half of the fish in it’s gaping mouth. Bruce however (Much like a Hobbit) never misses a meal and was undeterred. He was absolutely not going to let his lunch get away, and thus began a vicious tug of war with the bird, or as I like to call it, “The war at the Florida shore.”

Back and forth they went. Bruce would pull with all his might as if it was his last meal, but the pelican pulled back relentlessly. This went on for what seemed like an hour, but finally, Bruce sighed and decided it wasn’t worth it and let the fish go. The pelican smiled in it’s own way, swallowed the fish whole, and flew away into one of those beautiful Key West sunsets. 

Bruce looked disappointed or maybe just famished, so to make it up for his setback, I shared my catch with him and our two female friends.  Over dinner I remarked, “I guess there are plenty of fish in the sea after all.” and with that we all laughed and dug in.  

Life Lesson 1:  It’s often been said that,”Give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day, teach a man to fish he’ll eat for a lifetime.” I would like to add that struggling to get a fish can make you strong or teach you too, and that a man who has good supportive friends during challenging times will probably never starve either. Unless he bites off more than he can chew.

Address the birthday stress

   


      Today's my mother's birthday, and although birthdays are generally considered happy occasions especially when we are young, so many people these days are reluctant to tell others how old they really are, when their birthdays are coming up, or even make a big deal about them. Why? Why not celebrate? It's all about how you look at your life. Are you happy with it?, or is something holding you back from enjoying the moment.  Life is full of moments.  We need to remember to carpe diem. Especially milestones with those we love.

    A lot of people don't want to be reminded that they are growing older. To see so many candles on their birthday cake. I remember a time when my grandmother was having a birthday and our dog Peppy, licked the top off the cake.  I feel a bit guilty telling you the truth that we still gave it to her.  We never told her what really happened.  Why spoil the moment? Everyone even Peppy got to celebrate her special day. and that's the way it should be.  I tell my students that even if you are by yourself on your birthday you should try to as Walt Whitman once said, "To celebrate yourself."

    Tonight, we took my mother to a nice Mexican restaurant called Besitos.  I told my family that spending time together was the highlight of my day, and it really was.  It wasn't just that the restaurant was voted the best mexican on Long Island and had delicious desserts too, it was because we were together.  and as the research shows that when we spend time with positive people, we experience emotional contagion of feel good feelings. That's what we should strive to do.

    I recently enjoyed watching the film "Happy" it looked at what makes people happy around the world. Interestingly, in some hunter-gatherer societies such as in Namibia, where few have things like IPhones, their happiness instead is doing things together ex. singing, dancing, etc. and when people are ill the whole village rallies together to help one another. It really does take a village to make a difference in someone's life, not just a child's. 

      Finally, when we were leaving the restaurant the waitress gave us all little Mexican worry dolls to put under our pillows that supposedly help reduce our stressors.  I am going to give that a shot too, to see if it helps. You never know. 

Buenas noches, and feliz compleanos to mi madre.

 It's been said that it's not the amount of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away.  Savor those truly special times, as well as the precious moments with those we love. For that is a birthday gift we all could use.

The journey of a 1000 miles begins and ends with a single step. My first blog

     Being that this is my first blog, I feel a bit overwhelmed.  In some ways it's like my job as a high school teacher. As a teacher, even though we have a lesson plan, it doesn't always go the way we want it to.  At other times,  things go swimmingly,  and we are pleasantly surprised. It helps when we have support i.e. co-workers who are there for us, and administrators who leave us alone to do our jobs instead of constantly micro-managing.

It is my hope from this blog that it gives me the opportunity to improve my writing skills, and give me a forum to air my opinions as well as a vehicle for sharing my experiences as well, and have a few laughs. 

Someone also said that "A good man (or woman) learns from his own mistakes, but a great man (or woman) learns from the mistakes of others." and if you can learn anything from a few of my "friends" hopefully you can also be great too

Happy reading. Feel free to drop me a line of feedback, because that's how we all grow.